Dear Diary,
I spent my days writing a bucket list... I took that list everywhere I went, just in case I got a new idea.
BUCKET LIST
1. Let go of a floating lantern.
2. crowd surf
3. Build a mosque
4. Have all my family and friends together in my graduation, including my dad
5. Die with no regrets
I took it to my chemotherapy session, that put my mind away from the poison they injected in me... I spent a lot of time thinking about the days I had left, I knew it wasn't much, but it was enough for me to make a difference. The session was over before I knew it, and I found Sager waiting for me outside, with a smile so energetic, so full of life, it made my heart stop
Sager: Hala hala
Me: Heeyyyyy
Sager: Shlounch yal khabla, feeling better?
Me: ye3ni laish tes2al etha t3aref el su2al? Im gonna feel like crap from the next couple of days
Sager: thats why I went and got you your favorite chocolate and snacks, and movies
Me: shdarak shnu a7eb?!
Sager: I asked Noura
Me: I love you
Sager: I love you too Farah, now ta3alay let me help you in the car, you seem tired
Me: okayy
Sager reached out for my hand, completely unaware that I had my bucket list held eb the same hand that I gave to him, he held the paper real quick
Me: Give it back Sager!
Sager: Shnu hatha?
Me: Just give it baaacckk
Sager:'a bucket list' ? why?
Me: Cause Im dying! Im dying Sager! I wanna do the things I always wanted to do
Sager: LATGOULEEN CHTHY!! CHAM MARA AGOULCH YOUR NOT GOING TO DIE. YOUR A STRONG PERSON AND YOUR GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS
I just stayed quiet... staring into his eyes. he looked scared, like a lost puppy.
Sager: *sigh* you really wanna do this don't you?
Me: Yes
Sager: Mhm... elyoum fathya?
Me: eeh laish?
Sager: ba6al3ech
Me: bss bakoun ta3bana
Sager: latkhafeen, mara7 net7arak, bss bawadeech mukan blsayara. I wanna show you something
Me: okay, bss elsa3a cham akoun jahza?
Sager: throury throury tkouneen khal9a gabel el maghreb
Me: khala9 okay, bss let me go home anam shway, take a shower wabadel
Sager: enzain, now lets take you home beautiful
Me: look who's talking
It was time for us to go out, the car ride was a long one, I can assure you that. We spent it listening to music, and dancing.
Me: wain btwadeeny?
Sager: I go to this place every time I want to be alone. I used to go there with my grandpa every week. It's so remote, and quiet. you won't find a single soul there.
Me: do you take all your girlfriends here to impress them?
Sager: actually, I took one person here, the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with. Which is you.
I just stayed quiet, blushing
Sager: Now close your eyes for me will you?
Me: okay
He placed his hands over my eyes, seeing that he "can't trust me" lol.
Sager: deer balech... careful Farah
Me: Where are we?
Sager: Entay mafeech 9aber? Ne6ray
Me: Enzain enzain
Sager: Okay open your eyes
We were somewhere in the desert, on top of a small hill... huge rocks surrounding us making it seem like we were centered in between all of this. I looked straight up and the sunset looked beautiful. A rush of colors collided on top of each other making it seem like a piece of heaven
Me: This is... beautiful
Sager: *whispering* Nothing compared to your beauty
He turned me around so he can face me.
Sager: I have one more thing. Just give me a second ayeeba mn el sayara.
He went back to the car and came back a few minutes later with a marker and a bag. 6ala3 something mn the bag
Me: What's that?
Sager: A lantern, the first thing in your bucket list. I wanna fulfill all of them for you.
Me: Sager you shouldn't have, laish ta3abt 3umrek
Sager: I wanted to, now what do you wanna write 3al lantern so we can light it up
Me: hmmm... How about " One Step At A Time"
Sager: Perfect
he looked so beautiful under the reflection of all the colors. I could see his biceps slowly clenching as he wrote the words ever so carefully on the lantern.
Sager: Yallah, we light it al7een?
Me: Yes
Both of us held it, facing each other with the lantern keep us apart, we waited till it could float on it's own and we let it go, both of us, watching it silently as we watched it float away. He leaned closer to me, and kissed me on my forehead. We stayed like this in each others arm, sitting on a rock for an hour or so. I kept thinking, and all I could conclude is, he's the one.
Dear Diary,
We all decided to go out together, Me, Shaikha, Sager, and Noura... Shahad had studying to do, so she stayed at home, catching up with all the lessons she missed.
Noura: Where do you guys wanna go?
Sager: Maskeena m9adga btsougeen ma3a wayhech? Kafy ena Shaikha 7anechat akhethkum, ou kalemat umy, ou umy qa9ebatny, wela ana 3ala buna barou7 agez blshallaih weya rab3y ou nthabe6 banat
He was saying this, completely oblivious that I was there. Wela hama
Noura: Waaai3 nethamek t'thabe6 banat yal 7oushy
Sager: Mu ay bent, sheftlech wa7da el sbou3 elli 6aaf, mu bss jameeeelaa... yaaaaww, 3agly 6ar awal ma I laid eyes on her
Noura: Malat 3laik bss, telgaha wa7da jaikara nafsek
Sager: Ana jaikar? Ma sheftay nafsech yal qeefa
Noura: Farooh, 9a7 uhwa jaikar?
Farah: Shaikha ana asfa, bss 9ej... qe6a3 jaikar 7ail, la mn jesem, wela mn wayh, wela mn akhlaq.
And I gave him the most coldest stare ever. He looked at me appalled, and I walked away, completely aware he was still staring at me like an idiot.
Noura trying to ease the atmosphere: Ooooooh, buuurrrrn
Sager: Chubay noura
And I walked away mad... as confused as I was, I realized. What just happened a few minutes ago, was jealousy. No no no, me? Jealous? 3lay uhwa? Hell to the no... Walking through the crowd mad as ever, I hear someone calling me.
...: Faraah!! Fraaaai7
I turned around, and surprisingly it was Fahad, my old childhood friend!
Farah: FHAAAIIDD what brings you here?
Fahad: maku wallah yay akheth shaghla ou barja3 el bait
I gave him the most biggest bone crushing hug just to annoy the hell out of Sager. I could see his hands all clenched up in a fist.... Fahad comfortably put his arms around me, completely oblivious of the fact that people were staring.
Me: Oh, can't believe I almost forgot... Fahad, this is Sager, My friend Shaikha's brother, and 6ab3an Noura you know her
Noura: mhhhhmmmm, ohh myy have you grown, looking fine I see
Checking him out mn foug lai ta7at, typical Noura, I rolled my eyes at her
Fahad: Your not so bad yourself
Fahah turned out to Sager and Shaikha 3ashan eesalm 3laihum
Sager: Salam ou 3laikum
And they started talking about god knows what, a few minutes later Fahad excused himself, seeing that he was late for something, and he had to go, I gave him another hug, and I made sure I lingered long enough. He smiled and left.
Sager: Farah.
Me: Shtaby?
Sager: Ummm, farah your nose?
Me: Shfeeh?
I put my hand over my nose, and found blood all over my hand
Me: Oh shit!
Sager: Wait, lemme look at it
Me: Latjeesny, I can handle this on my own
I kept walking faster, and he quickened up the pace as well, I quickly entered the women's bathroom. And took a wad of tissue covering the nose bleed, and tilted my head backwards to keep it from getting worse
My phone kept vibrating, I knew it was Sager that wouldn't stop calling, I answered him.
Farah: Yaaaal 7inch!!! jesus, just leave me alone, don't you get it? I don't need your help! I never needed your help, and I never will! Now piss off.
And I closed the phone eb wayha. Suddenly a rush of guilt filled me from head to toe. 6ela3t bars bser3a batsafla, he looked at me, and was just about to walk away. I fell. 6e7t ghashyana, cause of all the pressure, cause of this nose bleed, cause of how i hurt him.
*Hours later*
I woke up in the hospital bed kal3ada, no one was there to be found... I got a glimpse of Sage talking to the Dr. then I heard the door open, and it was him. I faked being asleep, I was so ashamed, and couldn't look him in the eye after what I told him.
I could feel his breath on my face, and suddenly I felt someone holding my hand
Sager *whispering* : Farah, please just wake up... you don't know how hard it is for me to see you like this... It's killing me, the fact that your not mine, the fact that you can slip away from my fingers in a heartbeat, the fact that I can't take care of you, the fact that everyday you struggle, but law bss tadreen how much I wish what was happening to you e9eer feeny... اللهم رب الناس اذهب الباس واشفي انت الشافي شفاءا لايغادر سقما ولا ألما.. he kept repeating this over and over again.... until suddenly I heard him say it. Farah I love you, if only you knew.
Unexpectedly, I squeezed his hand, and pulled him closer to me
Me: I love you too
