One Step At A Time 15

Dear Diary,


Im trying to make things work, but these times are hard. I just can't stay in Kuwait anymore, Its always the same routine all over again, I need change. Since I didn't have anything better to do, mom decided to send me off to a camp in Dubai, for a week 3shan aghayer jaw, unfortunately I cant stay any longer cause I had chemo sessions, Ou I can't miss it. But hey, look at the bright side, better traveling for a week, than not traveling at all. I packed my stuff all excited



Mama: are you done with all the packing? 



Me: almost, just give me 2 more minutes wa9ek jan6ety 



Mama: Quick! We don't want you to miss your flight now do we? 



I quickly put in my toothbrush, and other last minute stuff. And closed my bag firmly. I stared at my bag, smiling. Finally, I could get a little time for myself. I needed to find myself, and the only way I can do that is getting away from the people I know. I needed to be alone. A quick getaway was the best solution


Everyone wa9aly el ma6ar, including my friends and mom and sisters. I gave each and everyone of them a huge hug, and mom came and pulled me away from all of them, and gave me a hug, and slowly placed a envelope in my hand, and whispered in my ear



Mama: 7beebti hathy 1500 dinar, 9erfeehum 3ala nafsech mnak, I know your going to do a lot of shopping plus its part of your food money. And I stashed an extra 500 kd eb your credit card on top of your ma3ash. Athen thats going to be more than enough? 



Me: Mama thats too much!! Laish ta3abtay nafsech? 


Mama: I messed up once, I don't wanna mess up again 



Me: Bss mama, I don't love you for the money you give me, I love you for you. 



Mama: And when was it 7aram for a mom to give her daughter money? She said smiling


Me: ya36eech el 3afya, allah ykhaleech lena



I kissed the crown of her head, and told her to take care, and we stayed in each others arms. 



Me: yallah you guys, Im going in, taboun shay?



All of them together: laa salamtech, and take care 



I kept wandering bl airport with my luggage, up until I heard them announce that it was boarding time. I went in the airplane and noticed, a lot of young kuwaiti teenagers were going to Dubai, I was terrified from airplanes, I hated flying... ye3ni law b2eedy I'd much rather go on a bus than a airplane. The whole realization ena your hanging in mid air over 20,000 ft and the only thing keeping you up, is a plane, terrifies the crap out of me.
I sat in my seat, the place was full of shabab and a few families. A guy sat next to me. I turned around and just my luck. It was the annoying hospital dude. He smiled 



Him: Are you by any chance stalking me? 


Me: You wish.


Him: Well, whatever the reason is... a9lan there might not even be a reason, la2ana as far as I can see, your always rude. You better put your differences aside la2ana Im gonna be sitting next to you for the next 2 hours. So get over yourself 


Me: ge6a3. shtaby enta? Who wouldn't get annoyed from a egotistic douche bag like you 



Him: everyone apparently 


I gave him a stare, and pressed on the flight attendant button... And before i knew it she was asking me if I needed anything



Me: Excuse me, do you have any other vacant seat? Im uncomfortable sitting next to him 



Flight attendant: Im sorry ma'am, but there's not seats available, the plane is full 



Me: iiiiffftt, thankyou, that would be all 



Him: Oula oula kel hatha bss 3shan ma tabeen tg3deen yamy, yuba shda3wa ana mayet 3laich... wayed 36aitech wayh. Esharha 3lay 



I ignored him, and turned to my right, so my back would be facing him. I tried falling asleep but I kept hearing his annoying laugh, apparently he saw his friend bl 6ayara and ma legaw ella yeg3doun ee6ay7oun suwalef yamy. La ou 9outhum 3aly ba3ad. 



Him *whispering to his friend*: esma3 esma3 ana elli aqeth hal bent elli yamy, soulef ou ez3ajha 3adel, wallah la3alemha, mu 3alay ana elsan 6weel 


His friend: Yallah fougha


His friend with his loud obnoxious voice: Agoouuuul Sagoooor!! Ay hotel eb tg3ad feeh


Sager: Atlantis! 


WHAAAAATTT!!! NAFS MY HOTEL TOO!!! Ye3ni what are the odds, this is getting so annoying. I pulled myself together, but wait, so his name turned out to be Sager, hmmm pretty name, ugly personality. Staghfarallah 9umkhan wejaa33 Abyy aanaaam! 



Me: Weja3 ya mal el weja3, tara ana wa7da aby anam, taboun tsoulfoun rou7aw mukan thany 



His friend: 6a3 hathy, mu 3alay ana ya set el 7esn wldalal. kalmeeny 3adel fahma, weja3 twj3ch ou twja3 elli ykrhouny. 



Me: na3am na3am? Tara I have rights ketherkum, Im trying to sleep here wana mu gadra kelesh mn 9outkum elli a3la mna maku 



Sager: eeeh feeeh sloub! Mu chthy tkalmeeena, la welmeshkela la a3aref esmech wela a3aref shay 3anech. mashallah chthy tkalmeen strangers?



Me: Well, I know enough about you. And as far as I know, I hate you. 



And before he could say anything the flight attendant announced that there would be turbulence, ou ma6abat hawa2eya, so finally his friend walked his way back to his seat. As I said I hated airplanes, so I kept clenching my jaw, estaghfering raby. I absolutely hated it. Faj2a the plane had a hard ma6aba and it fell for a split second and adjusted itself. 



Me *whispering: Waii staghfarallah staghfarallah, enshallah y3ady 3ala khair



Sager: Haaaa ashouf tkhafeen? 


Me: Enta malek sheghel 


Sager: Tara 3adi t6ee7 3laina el 6ayara, a9lan tadreen hal 6ayaran maychaykoun their planes, ye3ni 3adi a screw 6aye7 mn the wings or something, wetha 9ar chthy re7naaaa 


Me: geltlek chub!! chub! Chub! 



Sager: Shnu mn9ejech tkhafeen? 



Me: eeeh ma teftihem? I have plane phobia! 



Sager: Smela 3laich bss, lay6ee7 ni9ich 



Me: iffft enta shtaby al7een? Egleb wajhek bss 


Sager: mn zeen el gufa elli 3ala rasech elli ga3d ajablha, laish ana egdar ashouf shay ghair keshetech 


Me: 3asa 3younk el 3ama 


And I put on my earphones and started listening to music ignoring the world, ignoring him to be exact up until the plane landed. By the time I got to the hotel it was 1:30 am, and I was exhausted, ga6ait all my luggage, and indulged in my sleep, dreaming about everything and nothing

One Step At A Time 14

Dear Diary, 


Ugh, the chemo felt absolutely disgusting, I kept throwing up every few days...



Shahad: you can't stay cooped up in the house all day long, elyoum eb t6l3een ma3ana! 


Me: shahad please wallah male khulg:( I have a dr.'s appoitnment el3a9er 


Noura: Al7een 9ertay mus6afa ha?


Me: haha, you guysss pleasseee wallah maaaaaabyyyy 


Noura: btyeen qa9ben 3laich la ayerch mn sha3rech 


Me: Ugh, fine! Bss we only go out for a bit 


Noura: enzain wain taboun engez? 


Shahad: How about we go to chocolate bar? Kelesh male khulg soug 


Me: Fougha! Im so craving chocolate


Noura: okay khala9, chocolate bar it is. 



We9alna chocolate bar and we got our table... Half way through my double fudge vanilla ice-cream, I had the urge to go to the bathroom... Walking my way towards the rest room, I tripped on something, and felt 2 pairs of hands grabbing me, preventing me from falling flat on my face 



Me: Thankyou 



I looked up and it was him.... EWWWWWW! The same guy I found in the hospital, madre laish bss I found him really annoying 



Me: Mumken thedny, Im not falling anymore 


Him: ohh, asef, 3ala fekra ilwa7ed egoul mashkour 


Me: Mashkour 



I said through my gritted teeth and walked away... 





His thoughts 


Shfeeha hathy mada el bouz... wejaa333. Bss its kinda cute when she's mad like that... what am I saying? Yallah 3ad Sager, shlek eb hal suwalef... mu nag9ek, kafe elli ga3d e9eer eb 7ayatek, he snapped back to reality, and just in time he saw her walking her way towards her table again with two girls. She gave him a quick glance, and he gave her a cold hard stare. 




Back to Farah 


Me and the sisters joked around a bit and made our way back to the house. It was 11:00 pm at that time, and mom called a gzillion times worried on where we might be. Of course we reassured her. 



Shahad: you guys, I actually like it when mom keeps nagging on us meta nerja3


Noura: yeah, she never used to ask where we were coming or going



And just as they said that, I got a flashback, I was going out with a bunch of friends to 360, it was a thursday and surprisingly my 2 sisters and mom were chilling on the couch watching tv 



Me: You guys brou7 360 



No one answered me, completely ignoring the fact of my existence 



Me: You guyyysssss, gaaa3d agoulkuummm brouuu7 360!!! 



still no one answered....




Me: YOU GUYSS!! BROU7 360! CANT ANYONE OF YOU LISTEN! 



Mom: okay rou7ay... why are you even telling us? 



I felt so hurt, whether I was in the house or out, it wouldn't matter to them, seeing my friends having their parents call every 30 min, checking up on them, and them complaining on how annoying their parents were, treating them like children, made me want my mom to do that to me. Oh god, if they only knew how much I'd wish if my mom called, if she'd tell me to stay at home, or tell me to change my clothes, or ask me where I was going, or even having a curfew. I wished with all my heart. And it's funny how everything turned out to be. Life is kinda ironic, you get the things you want, but in such an unexpected way. 

One Step At A Time 13

Dear Diary,

The days past by, and still no word from dad after the incident. I honestly could care less. I didn't want anything to do with him, he was just a stranger to me. Ma a3trf eb ubou nafsa, la2ana he doesn't deserve to be called a father.... Today was my appointment with Dr. Talal... on my way to the hospital, I put my iPod on shuffle, and ironically For the love of a daughter- Demi Lovato was playing... I listened to the lyrics, and felt a deep pain, and disappointment. You see the song goes like this

Four years old with my back to the door

All I could hear was the family war

Your selfish hands always expecting more

Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart

But its heavy in your chest 

I try so hard to fight it 

But its hopeless

Oh father, 

Please father, 

Id love to leave you alone 

But I can't let you go

Oh father 

Please father

Put the bottle down 

for the love of a daughter

Oh It's been five years

Since we've spoken last,And you can't take backWhat we never hadOh, I can be manipulatedOnly so many timesBefore even I love youStarts to sound like a lieDon't you rememberI'm your baby girlHow could you push me out of your worldLie to your flesh and your bloodPut your hands on the ones that you swore you lovedDon't you rememberI'm your baby girlHow could you throw me right out of your worldSo young when the pain had begunNow forever afraid of being loved


the tears slowly started streaming down my face ever so silently. And before I knew it...



Mama: we9alna 7beebti 


I quickly wiped, and sniffed away all the tears. I got out of the car and slowly walked my way to the hospital... Making our way down to the Dr's room, I bumped into something hard. I looked up, it was this tall handsome guy, he had these black sad eyes, that could make anyone stare at them for hours. His hair was a total mess, with a small scar next to his eyebrow. I wasn't in the mood for anything, so I was kinda rude to him. 



Me: Ent shnu? 3amay? matshouf?

...: ehya elli da3matny wm39ba, laaa ou tsameeny 3amay ba3ad. 

Me: ifffffft 

....: shfeech et2af2feen eb wayhi? etha your having a bad day mu ye3ni t9eereen jleelat el7aya to people 

Me: 6a33 hathaaa


And he just left. Diary you don't know how mad I was when he said that. Enshallah mayshouf nafsa 3lay, la ou ashkara eegi6ha eb wayhi, na3am! I walked my way towards Dr.Talal's room. A sudden gloomy feeling filled the place. The hospital was such a sad melancholy place. I hated it, the walls painted white. It was so lifeless. almost... dead



Dr.Talal: Hala farah, shlounch, shakhbarech?


Me: mashi el7al Dr. 


Dr.Talal: lets get to the chase. There are 4 general types of leukemia, 2 acute ones that need aggressive chemotherapy sessions which are called acute myeloid leukemia (AML) and acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) and 2 chronic ones that take a slower amount of time for the cancer cells to spread are called chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) and chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML)


Me: What are you implying exactly?

 
Dr.Talal: Well...  you have acute myeloid leukemia to be exact. And we have to start chemo therapy right away. 


Me: and by right away you mean?


Dr.Talal: Im afraid we have to start today. 



I took a deep breathe. I just didn't want to show anyone I was weak. I sniffed away the tears that were about to come streaming down my face. And headed to the Chemo room. I went inside and sat there, alone, facing 4 white dull walls. with nothing to do.


Dr. Talal: you might need a book, or anything to entertain you


Me: Why?

Dr.Talal: cause your going to be sitting there for the next 2 hours


Me: What?! Are you kidding me? Dr. ana mu fathya ag3ad mny 7ag sa3tain

Mama: 7beebti Farah, 3shany 

Me: ugh, fine mom 

Mama: 7yaty wallah 


Thank god I had my iPod with me. I sat there waiting for the nurse to come in so she could inject me with that poison... she put the needle in and slowly started pushing it in. It burned. But I kept clenching my fist, I stayed like that, for the next to hours, listening to music till my time was up 


The first day passed by, I felt okay... but a little tired though... up until it was my second day... I literally felt exhausted! I stayed like that for almost 2 weeks. All I did was rest in bed. I couldn't move, every inch of my body hurt. I cried from how exhausted I felt, every time someone came for a visit, I would ask them to go away, mazajy kan 7ail zeft. Ou I looked like crap, I really didn't want anyone seeing me in the state. But I could tell from now, this is going to be one hell of a journey...