One Step At A Time 12

Dear Diary, 


Today was the day that I get to see my father, I was so nervous! Every single inch of my body started sweating. I resented him for everything he made me go through alone. For my elementary graduation that he never came to. For my sweet 16. For the parent teacher conferences he never attended. And most of all for the cards that we used to do in school for father's day, that ended up in the trash cause I had no "father" to give it to. Suddenly, I snapped back to reality




Noura: Are you sure your okay with this? I don't wanna see you get hurt again


Me: Im positive!


Noura: 3ala ra7tch, but if you need anything, Im just a phone call away, okay?


Shahad: Yeah me too! Wallah en derait enech ma dgaitay 3laina law tabeen shay ya wailch 


Me: you guys, Im not a kid! Thankyou, bss if you haven't noticed tara he's my father, not a murderer, elli lai hal daraja khayfeen 


Shahad: Your father or not, this "father" that your talking about hurt us all so bad. Even worse than you, 7emday rabech Farah, you were too young to understand any of the things that used to happen around the house 


Noura: mabe akarhech feeh, bss to me, he might be a father. But just as a title. He never asked about us, heck. He's only asking about you, cause your...


Me: What? Dying? You can say the word you know 


Noura: Shut up, and don't you ever say that word again, your sick, just like everyone else that gets sick! Ou enshallah ebterj3een better than before fahma




Madre laish kanaw ga3d eegi9oun 3ala nafshum, we all knew I was dying. I wasn't giving up on life and saying Im not going to fight back. But all my life I learned, that I just had to face reality for what it truly is. Yes, I was going to fight back, but I won't get my hopes up, cause I know, its going to come crashing down like every single time.



A knock on the door, was all it took for our conversation to get interrupted. I started panicking, finally I was going to see my dad and actually "talk" to him, even though I hated him for all the things he did, a small part of me couldn't wait to jump on him and hug him.


He came inside the house, I was beyond shocked on how he looked like, the audacity in him! How could he! 




Barely standing on his own feet, Baba: Hala 7beebti, meshtaglch 




He came a step closer in an attempt of hugging me, I pushed him back. And he fell on the floor. 6ab3an be6ee7, he can't even walk without swaying left and right. A really strong stench of alcohol, was covering him from head to toe. I couldn't take the smell, my nose started bleeding 




Me: e6la3 mn baitna E6LA3!!!!




My mom heard me screaming and came rushing in the room, haman ma l7egat talbes 7jabha... Dad was still on the floor mu mstaw3b shga3d e9eer, a9lan he couldn't even get up. Every time he tried to push himself back up, he just ended up falling on the ground




Mama: 7esbeya allah 3laik ya bu Nawaf, 7esbeya allah 3laik! E6LA3 BARA BAITY! ANA GELT A36EEK FUR9A ETRED TE9LA7 ELLI KAN BAIN BANATEK! BSS HATHA ENT MA TEGHAYART! WELA 3UMRK RA7 TTGHAYAR! SHEFT AL7EEN LAISH ANA MA KENT ABEEK TGAREB YAM FARAH! 3SHAN MA KENT ABEEHA TSHOUF ELLI SHAFOUH BANATY ELTHENTAIN LEKBAR. MAKENT ABEEHA T7ES BELLI 7ASAW FEEH! 




And she suddenly burst into tears, Dad picked himself up and found his way out the door. I went to the kitchen and took an ice pack, and laid it on my forehead, with my head leaning backwards. Once the bleeding stopped, I went to my mom... I found her on the bed cooped up in a ball. She looked like a baby, holding the tip of her legs, and crying her eyes out, with the tissues scattered everywhere. I laid down beside her and started playing with her hair, trying to soothe her in anyway possible 




Me: oooosshhh mama oshshhhhh.... mabe ashoufch chthy, yallah 7beebti goumay ghaslay wayhech




She just kept crying... but this time, it was harder and waterfall's just kept rolling down her cheeks, one after the other. I started wiping them off with my finger



Me: affaaa2, yuma, aaaffaaaa..... al7een entay 9ertay tabcheen? Mn meta? Tara al7een law el7ub shafech yez3al, mn yertha eshouf 7beebta ketha? goumay ghaslay wjhak ou 9alay rak3tain 3shan thadeen





She slowly got up, kissed my forehead, and smiled. 




Mama: allah la ya7rmny mnek 


Me: wela y7rmny mn a7la ou aghla um bldenya 




She went to the bathroom, and I left her in the room, so she could pray, and etjabel rabha, I went to the room and throwed myself on the bed. All I could think of was, why dad, why? You blowed it the first time, why not take this second time to mend the past, and how much you hurt every single one of us? But dad, once again, was just a heartless selfish man, nothing new.