Dear Diary,
I spent my days writing a bucket list... I took that list everywhere I went, just in case I got a new idea.
BUCKET LIST
1. Let go of a floating lantern.
2. crowd surf
3. Build a mosque
4. Have all my family and friends together in my graduation, including my dad
5. Die with no regrets
I took it to my chemotherapy session, that put my mind away from the poison they injected in me... I spent a lot of time thinking about the days I had left, I knew it wasn't much, but it was enough for me to make a difference. The session was over before I knew it, and I found Sager waiting for me outside, with a smile so energetic, so full of life, it made my heart stop
Sager: Hala hala
Me: Heeyyyyy
Sager: Shlounch yal khabla, feeling better?
Me: ye3ni laish tes2al etha t3aref el su2al? Im gonna feel like crap from the next couple of days
Sager: thats why I went and got you your favorite chocolate and snacks, and movies
Me: shdarak shnu a7eb?!
Sager: I asked Noura
Me: I love you
Sager: I love you too Farah, now ta3alay let me help you in the car, you seem tired
Me: okayy
Sager reached out for my hand, completely unaware that I had my bucket list held eb the same hand that I gave to him, he held the paper real quick
Me: Give it back Sager!
Sager: Shnu hatha?
Me: Just give it baaacckk
Sager:'a bucket list' ? why?
Me: Cause Im dying! Im dying Sager! I wanna do the things I always wanted to do
Sager: LATGOULEEN CHTHY!! CHAM MARA AGOULCH YOUR NOT GOING TO DIE. YOUR A STRONG PERSON AND YOUR GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS
I just stayed quiet... staring into his eyes. he looked scared, like a lost puppy.
Sager: *sigh* you really wanna do this don't you?
Me: Yes
Sager: Mhm... elyoum fathya?
Me: eeh laish?
Sager: ba6al3ech
Me: bss bakoun ta3bana
Sager: latkhafeen, mara7 net7arak, bss bawadeech mukan blsayara. I wanna show you something
Me: okay, bss elsa3a cham akoun jahza?
Sager: throury throury tkouneen khal9a gabel el maghreb
Me: khala9 okay, bss let me go home anam shway, take a shower wabadel
Sager: enzain, now lets take you home beautiful
Me: look who's talking
It was time for us to go out, the car ride was a long one, I can assure you that. We spent it listening to music, and dancing.
Me: wain btwadeeny?
Sager: I go to this place every time I want to be alone. I used to go there with my grandpa every week. It's so remote, and quiet. you won't find a single soul there.
Me: do you take all your girlfriends here to impress them?
Sager: actually, I took one person here, the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with. Which is you.
I just stayed quiet, blushing
Sager: Now close your eyes for me will you?
Me: okay
He placed his hands over my eyes, seeing that he "can't trust me" lol.
Sager: deer balech... careful Farah
Me: Where are we?
Sager: Entay mafeech 9aber? Ne6ray
Me: Enzain enzain
Sager: Okay open your eyes
We were somewhere in the desert, on top of a small hill... huge rocks surrounding us making it seem like we were centered in between all of this. I looked straight up and the sunset looked beautiful. A rush of colors collided on top of each other making it seem like a piece of heaven
Me: This is... beautiful
Sager: *whispering* Nothing compared to your beauty
He turned me around so he can face me.
Sager: I have one more thing. Just give me a second ayeeba mn el sayara.
He went back to the car and came back a few minutes later with a marker and a bag. 6ala3 something mn the bag
Me: What's that?
Sager: A lantern, the first thing in your bucket list. I wanna fulfill all of them for you.
Me: Sager you shouldn't have, laish ta3abt 3umrek
Sager: I wanted to, now what do you wanna write 3al lantern so we can light it up
Me: hmmm... How about " One Step At A Time"
Sager: Perfect
he looked so beautiful under the reflection of all the colors. I could see his biceps slowly clenching as he wrote the words ever so carefully on the lantern.
Sager: Yallah, we light it al7een?
Me: Yes
Both of us held it, facing each other with the lantern keep us apart, we waited till it could float on it's own and we let it go, both of us, watching it silently as we watched it float away. He leaned closer to me, and kissed me on my forehead. We stayed like this in each others arm, sitting on a rock for an hour or so. I kept thinking, and all I could conclude is, he's the one.
Dear Diary,
We all decided to go out together, Me, Shaikha, Sager, and Noura... Shahad had studying to do, so she stayed at home, catching up with all the lessons she missed.
Noura: Where do you guys wanna go?
Sager: Maskeena m9adga btsougeen ma3a wayhech? Kafy ena Shaikha 7anechat akhethkum, ou kalemat umy, ou umy qa9ebatny, wela ana 3ala buna barou7 agez blshallaih weya rab3y ou nthabe6 banat
He was saying this, completely oblivious that I was there. Wela hama
Noura: Waaai3 nethamek t'thabe6 banat yal 7oushy
Sager: Mu ay bent, sheftlech wa7da el sbou3 elli 6aaf, mu bss jameeeelaa... yaaaaww, 3agly 6ar awal ma I laid eyes on her
Noura: Malat 3laik bss, telgaha wa7da jaikara nafsek
Sager: Ana jaikar? Ma sheftay nafsech yal qeefa
Noura: Farooh, 9a7 uhwa jaikar?
Farah: Shaikha ana asfa, bss 9ej... qe6a3 jaikar 7ail, la mn jesem, wela mn wayh, wela mn akhlaq.
And I gave him the most coldest stare ever. He looked at me appalled, and I walked away, completely aware he was still staring at me like an idiot.
Noura trying to ease the atmosphere: Ooooooh, buuurrrrn
Sager: Chubay noura
And I walked away mad... as confused as I was, I realized. What just happened a few minutes ago, was jealousy. No no no, me? Jealous? 3lay uhwa? Hell to the no... Walking through the crowd mad as ever, I hear someone calling me.
...: Faraah!! Fraaaai7
I turned around, and surprisingly it was Fahad, my old childhood friend!
Farah: FHAAAIIDD what brings you here?
Fahad: maku wallah yay akheth shaghla ou barja3 el bait
I gave him the most biggest bone crushing hug just to annoy the hell out of Sager. I could see his hands all clenched up in a fist.... Fahad comfortably put his arms around me, completely oblivious of the fact that people were staring.
Me: Oh, can't believe I almost forgot... Fahad, this is Sager, My friend Shaikha's brother, and 6ab3an Noura you know her
Noura: mhhhhmmmm, ohh myy have you grown, looking fine I see
Checking him out mn foug lai ta7at, typical Noura, I rolled my eyes at her
Fahad: Your not so bad yourself
Fahah turned out to Sager and Shaikha 3ashan eesalm 3laihum
Sager: Salam ou 3laikum
And they started talking about god knows what, a few minutes later Fahad excused himself, seeing that he was late for something, and he had to go, I gave him another hug, and I made sure I lingered long enough. He smiled and left.
Sager: Farah.
Me: Shtaby?
Sager: Ummm, farah your nose?
Me: Shfeeh?
I put my hand over my nose, and found blood all over my hand
Me: Oh shit!
Sager: Wait, lemme look at it
Me: Latjeesny, I can handle this on my own
I kept walking faster, and he quickened up the pace as well, I quickly entered the women's bathroom. And took a wad of tissue covering the nose bleed, and tilted my head backwards to keep it from getting worse
My phone kept vibrating, I knew it was Sager that wouldn't stop calling, I answered him.
Farah: Yaaaal 7inch!!! jesus, just leave me alone, don't you get it? I don't need your help! I never needed your help, and I never will! Now piss off.
And I closed the phone eb wayha. Suddenly a rush of guilt filled me from head to toe. 6ela3t bars bser3a batsafla, he looked at me, and was just about to walk away. I fell. 6e7t ghashyana, cause of all the pressure, cause of this nose bleed, cause of how i hurt him.
*Hours later*
I woke up in the hospital bed kal3ada, no one was there to be found... I got a glimpse of Sage talking to the Dr. then I heard the door open, and it was him. I faked being asleep, I was so ashamed, and couldn't look him in the eye after what I told him.
I could feel his breath on my face, and suddenly I felt someone holding my hand
Sager *whispering* : Farah, please just wake up... you don't know how hard it is for me to see you like this... It's killing me, the fact that your not mine, the fact that you can slip away from my fingers in a heartbeat, the fact that I can't take care of you, the fact that everyday you struggle, but law bss tadreen how much I wish what was happening to you e9eer feeny... اللهم رب الناس اذهب الباس واشفي انت الشافي شفاءا لايغادر سقما ولا ألما.. he kept repeating this over and over again.... until suddenly I heard him say it. Farah I love you, if only you knew.
Unexpectedly, I squeezed his hand, and pulled him closer to me
Me: I love you too
Dear Diary,
Weeks passed by wana eb nafs el 7ala, in and out of the hospital every week... I kept over hearing the Doctor telling my mom I wasn't getting any better, but they still had to encourage me, and give me hope... though I know for sure I know have a 50/50 chance in living. Shaikha spent the day at my house, we had a blast
Shaikha: *Burp*
Farah: Hahahaha, weja3!
Shaikha: chub wela chna tawa you burped a bigger one
Me: *BURRRRP*
Shaikha: 3afyaaaaa taryou3aaaaa! Baaaal 3laaaaaich
The bell suddenly rang, and it was Sager... waiting for his sister to finish eating dinner
Me: ge3daaaaayy, latrou7een, taw el nas! ye3ni lazem ukhouch elmaleeq eekhareb 3laina
Shaikha: Magdar, lazem arou7... beezifny la2ana ga3d ana6ra bl 7ar
Mama: khaleeh eedish, 3adi... wetha ma retha, tell farah to go outside to talk to him
Shaikha: Khalty ra7 ee3a9eb
Mama: Nonsense, he's part of the family now.
Shaikha: Enshallah arou7 anady
So me and Shaikha, walked outside. I stayed next to the gate giving her and Sager some privacy. I can see, the anger in his eyes. He was probably more embarrassed than angry. haha, a7san. ana a3alma law ma fashalta. Both Shaikha and Sager walked in the house, Sager without even smiling or saying hi to me
Sager: Salam khalty shlounch?
Mama: Bkhair 7abeebi, and you?
Sager: el7amdellah tamam
Me: Haaa Sager laish kent m3a9eb a few minutes ago, shda3wa mataby tdesh lai hal daraja *eyebrows raised*
Sager: Laa mu 3an
And Shaikha interrupted him: eeeeh khalty law tshoufeena! Fe9al 3lay, 7saita bughait yerga3ny, ga3d egoul fashla deshay el sayara
Sager through gritted teeth: eklay tben entay weyaha la arga3 wyouhkum bl 6oufa
Me: Ha Sager ma sema3tek? Haw shfeek
Shaikha winked back at me which meant, 7ailna 3laih. Wayha 9ar a7mar, and mom started laughing
Mama: Bss a7ratjaw el walad! hahahaha, yallah ya jema3a ana badesh ghurfuty, have fun doing whatever you wanna do together.
Me and shaikha: bahahahahaahahhaha " La mu 3an" MASSKEEEN
Sager: Ana a3almch
And before he could catch Shaikha, she ran so fast, and was out of sight. It was only us
Sager: Ahaa, so I guess this is only me and you haaa
And he gave me his smile... akhhh my heart just melted
Me: haha wakher 3any
Sager: Maku
Me: Wallah a6gk
Sager: Jarbay
Me: A9lan agdar asheelk yal 3a9aya, awal mara ashouf 9bay la 3anda 3athalat wela 3anda shay
Sager: Ahaaaa.... bedaina haaaa.... ana ma 3andy 3athalat?
Me: Eeeh ma3andk
Sager: khanshouf shloun elli ma 3anda 3athalat beesheelch
Me: Saaagggerrr laaaaaa *giggle*
I took the bottle of water and poured it on top of him
Sager: Aaaaaaa7777, BAAAARED!
Me: Muahahahahaha, 3shan matjeesny
Sager: Shloun ba6la3 al7een?
Me: Take of your shirt eb the room over there, and I'll give you one of dad's old shirts
Sager: Enzain
He took a long time changing so I decided to check up on him, I knocked once, no one answered....
Me: Sager???
No answer whatsoever
Me: Saaaager??
I went in, afraid he might have got an asthma attack or something, but I found him looking at the pictures me mom had put up on the wall... He was staring at them, un aware that he was still topless. Oh my god, his body, his perfect biceps, he's so Aaaaahh. I dropped a souvenir on the floor blghala6, 6ela3 kent ga3d atsanad 3lay wana mu mstaw3eba. Umbay fashlaaaaa
Me: Umm, s-s-sorry ma kan...
And I got lost in his eyes, he came closer and closer by the second, we were dangerously close to each other, I can feel his breathe on my neck.
Sager whispering: its kind of rude to stare haha
I snapped back to reality
Me: Wai3 mn zeenk ag3ad akhzk
And just as I was gonna push him away, I just couldn't, My hand stayed there, more like froze there, on his chest. He put his hands in mine, and we just stood there. Gazing into each others eyes, speaking though our mouths weren't moving, we knew our eyes could say it all... I almost heard Sager whisper a7bch
Me: What?
Sager: e7mm... wela shay
and he quickly put his shirt back on, completely ignoring the fact of what just happened between us
Dear Diary,
My mom spent the next few weeks with her hubba Ahmed, in Maldives having the time of their lives. Me and the girls decided not to call them, to avoid any unnecessary worrying. And let them enjoy their time.
*Calling...*
Me: Aloo
Shaikha: Hello, shlounech
Me: Im good, and you?
Shaikha: el7amdellah bkhair, tabeen tyeen baity elyoum?
Me: Sure, ma waray shay... bss esa3a cham?
Shaikha: Al7een etha tabeen
Me: But it's wakt ghada, shoufay, I'll take a shower wakel bser3a wayeelech
Shaikha: Shda3wa teghaday 3andena
Me: Fashlaa
Shaikha: La testa3be6ain, eb ttghadain 3andena, now go take a quick shower ou ta3alay
Me: Fine
I grabbed my towel, and took a shower... by the time I was done. I saw 5 missed calls from Shaikha
Me: HAAAA YAL 7ANA
Shaikha: Yaaallaaaaah! Your late
Me: yallah kany yaya, 5 min away
Shaikha: Chathaba 7adech, hahaha yallah na6reench
Me: Wait, eb netghada brou7na ana ou entay 9a7?
Shaikha: La2? The whole family weyana
Me: FASHLA
Shaikha: Hush.
I closed the phone, took my purse. and was on my way to her house... I got there, cheeks so red and hot mn el 7ar.
Shaikha: Wa2akheeeraan! Shfeeh wayhech 6uma6a
Me: La2ana wa7da 7mara ga3d t7en 3lay ayee bser3a
Shaikha: Enzain ta3alay khan a3arfech 3ala my family, Mom this is Farah, Farah this is mom... Dad this is Farah, Farah this is Dad, and of course Sager mala da3y. Already t3arfoun ba3ath
Khalty Um Sager: Ana shayfetech eb mukan? Wayhech mu ghareeb
Me: eeh khalty, yemken eb 3ers 3amy Ahmed.
Khalty Um Sager: Eeeeh 9aaaa7! Galatly Shaikha. Enzain yallah shfeech chthy, eklay.
I scanned the sefra, and my eye caught Sager. Eating like a pig lol. He looked up and saw me looking at him, his face turned red mn el fashla, and 3adal his posture, and started eating like a decent human being. I gave a low chuckle... I finished eating and went to wash my hand, Sager was using the sink next to me
Sager: Elbait elyoum mthalam
Me: Madamek mawjoud, dayman mthalam
Sager: Hatha elsanech el 6weel yabeela ga9 tadreen?
Me: La2, madre... la2ana elsanek wayed a6wal
He took a little water and splashed it on my face
Me: Ya 7maaar!
Sager: Smela 3alaich, lay6ee7 ni9ich g6ait 3laich maaay
Shaikha: SAAAAGER! Basek tt7arash feeha!
Sager: Ohoo, ou yat el maleeqa
He carried Shaikha and started spinning her around
Shaikha shrieking: Sager bsssss *chuckle* SAAAGEERRR
Sager: Goulaay sorry
Shaikha: Eykhasy
Hs started tickling her like crazy
Shaikha: Khala9.... hahaahahaha.... khalaaa9..... hahahahahah sssoooorrrryyy!
Sager: Goulaaay sorry 3amy Sager
Shaikha: Sorrrryy 3aaamy Sager
Sager: 3abaly ba3ad, yallah rou7ay stansay entay ou rfeejtch el maleeqa, 9ej el 6your 3ala ashkaleha taqa3
Shaikha: yal sakheef *pulled out her tongue*
I gave him a cold stare and mouthed I hate you to him.
His face expression changed, he looked hurt. He turned around and slammed the door of his room... wow. What was that all about?
Shaikha: Now that were done from my annoying brother tabeen nel3ab let dance bl playstation. Its where you put your legs on the colors gala 7asab the screen
Me: No shit? hahaha a3arfha... yallah
We spent hours playing this game, ma sheba3na, it was like war... ya ana afouz ya ehya. mu rathyeen enwagef ella wa7da tfouz 3al thanya. This time I chose the level expert. And I started jumping and stepping on the mat so fast, that I twisted my ankle. I laid on the ground crying with pain.
Shaikha: Farah, shfeeech?!?!
Me: Reely
Sager: Shfeeeekum!? Sh'hal 9rakh? Staghfarallah matkhaloun elwa7ed eenam
Shaikha: Reel Farah!
Sager: Shfeeha reelha?
Kan 7ada bared, en9edamt... wela hama
Shaikha: She twisted it
Sager: Okay? Mu awal ou akher wa7da she twists her ankle, khal t7e6 3laiha thalj
He looked at me and saw me crying. His eyes softened. And he just stayed there staring at me with his brown dreamy eyes.
Shaikha: SAAAGER
Sager: haaa... shnu? Eeeeh! Yeebay thalj, khanshouf reelha shfeeha
He looked at my leg, and started moving it a bit, and asking me if it hurts with every time he moves it. He pressured it in some places. He pushed hard on my leg. I quickly put my hand in attempt in pushing his away. But that kind of didn't help. My hand stayed on top of his, holding each other by our finger tips.
Shaikha: Yebtaaa!
We both flinched, and pulled our hands away
Sager: Sa3a, yal barda sa3a!
Shaikha: Shtaby kan lazem a93ad foug
Sager: 3a6eeny yaah
He put it really slowly on my leg and asked me to stay still
Sager: Rou7ay yeebay lafaf 3shan alefa 3ala reelha and tape
Shaikha: enzain
Farah: how do you know all this? Like what to do in situations like this?
Sager: I spent the last 3 years taking care of my sister. I did all the research, and took all the classes that I needed to, to make sure nothing happens to my sister wana ma3aref shasawy
Farah: thats so sweet of you
I never thought Sager could be this caring. He surprises me by the day.
Sager: Thankyou
Shaikha came and gave him the stuff. He carefully wrapped my leg up and helped me get up. I sat down on the couch, still in pain, but a lot less than before.
Sager: You'll be fine. Don't worry, bss shway matfoukha... It'll be back by normal in 2 days, just don't put weight on it.
Me: Sager
Sager: Hala
Me: Mashkour
Sager: El3afu Farah.
And he got up, and left. I just stood there staring at what used to be where he was sitting down.
