Dear Diary,
I woke up that day with the sun scorching my bare back, I swear waking up hung over was better than the state I woke up in. Being in the sun this long made me get a sun burn, my face was blazing red. And I actually got a tan line, how ironic. I slowly got up from the hot floor, and placed my blanky and pillow neatly in the box again. I unlocked the door, the house was dead quiet my footsteps echoed through the house. It turns out my sisters had college to attend, and no one was at home except mom. I reached for the cupboard to get cream for my burnt face. At least it would help the healing process. I applied it on, every touch made me flinch, I got tired from all the standing so I decided to head to my room, and put it on. When I got it I saw my mom laying on my bed, with my album, pictures of me as a baby scattered all around the floor. She looked like she had been crying that night, seeing that the tissue box was half empty right next to her. I covered her up with my blanket, and just as I tiptoed my way outside the room, I heard mom whisper
Mama: Farah? Is that you?
Me: Yeah
She ushered for me to come, I hesitated at first, but I could see the regret in her eyes.
Mama: I-I-Im so s-s-sorry
Me: No Mom, Im sorry, I shouldn't have said what I said. I don't hate you, you know I love you
Mama: wait, let me finish, I shouldn't have hit you, I never laid hands on you, and when you actually say the truth I slap you? That was really wrong of me. I know I should have told you about your dad trying to come back in your life, and make you decide. But he hurt you so bad, he hurt all of you so bad, I didn't want to see you get hurt again, especially the fact the doctor, urged that anything that might hurt you or bring our negative vibes should be avoided. And I felt like an awful mom, I was never there for you, I never guided you through anything. I thought that maybe this was my chance.
And she broke down crying uncontrollably, covering her face with her hands. I held her hands and placed them on her lap, and slowly wiped away her tears with my shirt.
Me: Mom, your not an awful mom, your the best! I just wanted you to know that
She leaned in and gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me ever so tightly. I squirmed and jumped from my bed, cause she was pressuring my back. Ou kafy the sun burn kan ga3d ya7rgny, ba3ad trou7 tethgha6 3lay.
Mama: Whats wrong?
Me: Its nothing
Mom turned around and took off my shirt slowly. My back was severely burned. She told me to wait a second while she went and got the cream that she had in her room. A few minutes later she came back. Holding the cream with a smile on her face. Applying it on my back so gently and tenderly.
Me: Aa77 yumaa, it hurts!
Mama: Bala 3ayara, just endure it. at least for now.
Me: Ugh, fine
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
One Step At A Time 10
Dear Diary,
Mom went mia all day, until the clock striked 2 am in the morning I saw her sneaking in the house. I was waiting for her in the estiqbal. When she saw me sitting there, I gave her a fright.
Mama: Besmillah elra7man elra7eem, what are you doing here?
Me: Your really asking ME? What am I doing at HOME? How about you? Where were you? Up till 2 am in the morning
Mama: Mat7asbeeeny fahma, ana umech, I question you, not the other way around.
I wanted to just get to the chase, so I asked her plainly, calmly, and slowly. Waiting for her reply.
Me: Mama, Dad never asked about me? Even after knowing I had cancer?
Mama: no, t3arfeen ubouch
Me: eeeh a3aref ubouy, bss lel2asaf el thaher ma 3eraftech yuma
Mama: What do you mean by that?
Me: Why did you lie?! WHY! Mom, for gods sake Im dying! The least you could is mend what was between me and dad, rather than making me hate myself and hate him, for not asking about me. All my life 7asait nafsy not good enough, just cause dad never asked about me. I always asked myself why does he hate me?! Why?! But you know what? 6ela3 your the reason, I HATE YOU! DONT EVER TALK TO ME!
And before I knew it, I got a slap straight across my face, I was shocked, furious. Awal mara in my life I get hit by my own parent. I ran straight to the rooftop and I can hear mom's distant voice screaming my name, and running behind me. I locked the door shut, and spent the night blsa6e7, I always had a pillow and a blanket in a box, just incase I felt like sleeping there at night. I took it out, and laid down on the floor. And cried myself to sleep, you see diary, crying yourself to sleep was a daily routine of mine now. I just wish that once, just once, I would laugh myself to sleep.
Mom went mia all day, until the clock striked 2 am in the morning I saw her sneaking in the house. I was waiting for her in the estiqbal. When she saw me sitting there, I gave her a fright.
Mama: Besmillah elra7man elra7eem, what are you doing here?
Me: Your really asking ME? What am I doing at HOME? How about you? Where were you? Up till 2 am in the morning
Mama: Mat7asbeeeny fahma, ana umech, I question you, not the other way around.
I wanted to just get to the chase, so I asked her plainly, calmly, and slowly. Waiting for her reply.
Me: Mama, Dad never asked about me? Even after knowing I had cancer?
Mama: no, t3arfeen ubouch
Me: eeeh a3aref ubouy, bss lel2asaf el thaher ma 3eraftech yuma
Mama: What do you mean by that?
Me: Why did you lie?! WHY! Mom, for gods sake Im dying! The least you could is mend what was between me and dad, rather than making me hate myself and hate him, for not asking about me. All my life 7asait nafsy not good enough, just cause dad never asked about me. I always asked myself why does he hate me?! Why?! But you know what? 6ela3 your the reason, I HATE YOU! DONT EVER TALK TO ME!
And before I knew it, I got a slap straight across my face, I was shocked, furious. Awal mara in my life I get hit by my own parent. I ran straight to the rooftop and I can hear mom's distant voice screaming my name, and running behind me. I locked the door shut, and spent the night blsa6e7, I always had a pillow and a blanket in a box, just incase I felt like sleeping there at night. I took it out, and laid down on the floor. And cried myself to sleep, you see diary, crying yourself to sleep was a daily routine of mine now. I just wish that once, just once, I would laugh myself to sleep.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Incase your wondering!
Hey guys! I hope your liking the posts so far! Anyways incase any of you are wondering how to get in touch with me...
My twitter accoount is: @zayounalx
My Instagram is: @_soulsofthelost
And My ask is: ask.fm/zayounalx
My twitter accoount is: @zayounalx
My Instagram is: @_soulsofthelost
And My ask is: ask.fm/zayounalx
One step at a time 9
Dear Diary,
I was just about to go confront my mom when I heard a knock on the door. Who would be coming at this time of the day? I went and opened the door, and suprisingly, it was Fatma and Shamayel. I felt so mad the second I saw them. After all these weeks of them knowing ena I needed them, and I broke up with Aziz, al7een eeyounly, ba3ad shnu?
Me: What do you guys want?
Fatma: you know elsalam mn allah right?
Me: and you do know that real friends dont bail on each other when they need you the most right?
Shamayel: were really sorry
Me: Are you just sayinng that cause you feel sorry for me, or what?
Fatma: la wallah la2, its cause we realized how wrong we are. Ou as they say, you never notice ghalat a person until you loose them, and well... we thought we were gonna loose you Farah, and we dont want that. Were really sorry, honestly
I just stood there, thinking. Okay, the fact that they left me did hurt, but because they put the effort in apolagizing. I decided to forgive them. I gave them a crooked smile
Shamayel: so were friends again?
Me: no. were sisters
Fatma: awwh, I love you!
It was a touching sisterly moment, giving each other a group hug, we stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other, I could see Fatma's eyes watering I got real worried
Me: You okay?
Fatma: your going to be okay, right?
Shamayel broke down crying too, seeing them, seeing everyone react the same way that they did, made me feel miserable. The more I try to be strong, the more I fail at it. I choked while saying the next few words
Me: Dont worry, Im going to be perfectly fine, Im healthy cant you see?
Faking a smile was something I was used to by now. I told them I was okay, but something inside me kept screaming " you have cancer. Your going to die" I tried to fight my inner voice, and occupied myself with my friends, I cracked some jokes, and soulafna, it felt like old times. But I knew, it will never be like before. Ever.
I was just about to go confront my mom when I heard a knock on the door. Who would be coming at this time of the day? I went and opened the door, and suprisingly, it was Fatma and Shamayel. I felt so mad the second I saw them. After all these weeks of them knowing ena I needed them, and I broke up with Aziz, al7een eeyounly, ba3ad shnu?
Me: What do you guys want?
Fatma: you know elsalam mn allah right?
Me: and you do know that real friends dont bail on each other when they need you the most right?
Shamayel: were really sorry
Me: Are you just sayinng that cause you feel sorry for me, or what?
Fatma: la wallah la2, its cause we realized how wrong we are. Ou as they say, you never notice ghalat a person until you loose them, and well... we thought we were gonna loose you Farah, and we dont want that. Were really sorry, honestly
I just stood there, thinking. Okay, the fact that they left me did hurt, but because they put the effort in apolagizing. I decided to forgive them. I gave them a crooked smile
Shamayel: so were friends again?
Me: no. were sisters
Fatma: awwh, I love you!
It was a touching sisterly moment, giving each other a group hug, we stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other, I could see Fatma's eyes watering I got real worried
Me: You okay?
Fatma: your going to be okay, right?
Shamayel broke down crying too, seeing them, seeing everyone react the same way that they did, made me feel miserable. The more I try to be strong, the more I fail at it. I choked while saying the next few words
Me: Dont worry, Im going to be perfectly fine, Im healthy cant you see?
Faking a smile was something I was used to by now. I told them I was okay, but something inside me kept screaming " you have cancer. Your going to die" I tried to fight my inner voice, and occupied myself with my friends, I cracked some jokes, and soulafna, it felt like old times. But I knew, it will never be like before. Ever.
Friday, September 21, 2012
One Step At A Time 8
Dear Diary,
It's been almost 3 weeks since the word spread that I had cancer, but still no word from my dad, I was waiting 3ala nar, hoping he'd at least call. But who was I kidding, at the end it was "Baba" musta7eel he gives a shit. That's too human of him.
Me: You guys, dad still hasn't asked about me.
Shahad: its dad, what do you expect from him, he will never put the effort.
Noura: ummm...
Me: What, ummmm?
Noura looked guilty, it was obvious she was hiding something. Shahad gave her kept staring at her, waiting for her to confess on her own.
Shahad: Well, were waiting if you haven't noticed.
Me: Noura, there's no point in hiding anything cause Im going to find out either way.
Shahad: Exactly! So just spill already
Noura: Okay, but you have got to promise me one thing, matgouloun 7ag mama I told you guys
Both Me & Shahad: Promise
Noura: ummm, u guys lat3a9boun la2any ma geltlkum, bss mom doesn't even know that I know, and I kind of estame3d
Shahad: tara ga3d tkhar3eena, khal9eena
Noura: Stfu shahad and just listen.
Shahad: e7tarmay nafsech 3ad, Im your big sister
Noura: big sister my ass
Me: Both of you can shut up, la2ana if you keep arguing mara7 nkhale9, ou were going to end up forgetting what we wanted to know in the first place, So Noura, if you may, please bss goulay el salfa, bdoun mat6awleenha
Shahad: ugh fine, JUST cause I wanna know el salfa
Noura: okay, so the other day, I came back home early from uni, and I sort of over heard mama talking to dad. Actually they weren't talking, they were practically yelling their heads off.
Shahad: what where they saying?! Ou haw ta3alay, mu chna mama matkalm baba, ou shelsalfa?
Noura shot Shahad a look, which meant, either she shut her mouth and listen or mara7 tkamel
Shahad: sorry sorry
Noura: okay, so what I heard, which is not exact btw is that, dad wanted to get in touch with us, and he wanted to talk to you. Once he found out that you had cancer he went crazy. Trying to find any way in talking to you, but mom kept pushing him away. I heard her tell him... "Im not going to let you into our lives now. 17 years, 17 years ma fakart terfa3 el sama3a 3ala bentk! I dont care if you regret it! Dont forget the day that you moved into the house, and I went and stayed in the Shallaih, tathker wela la2? And I told you the only way I'll let you back in our lives is actually acting like a father to your children, What did you do?! The next morning you packed your bags and went. Mashallah 3afya ubou, 3afya qedwa!"
She was right, I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was so clear. A sudden pain hit my chest, not physically, no. Emotionally. He left us diary, he left us without even saying goodbye, I never got why he treated us like that. Why he hated us, what did we ever do to him?
Shahad: WTH IS MOM'S PROBLEM!?! When dad actually wants to mend what was in the past, tyee ou she ruins it all! Is she kidding me?
Noura: I dont blame her! Shahad, ubouy elli swah mu shway, la tnsain!
Shahad: Okay bss everyone deserves a second chance! For once, I'd like to feel how it's like to have a father...
And a tear escaped her eye. I felt sorry for Shahad, she acted all tough and strong but she was really vulnrable. At the moment I wasnt mad because dad was trying to get back in our lives, I was mad because of mom, how could she hide such a thing?!
Me: Mom has no right whatsoever enha she does what she did, she cant decide for us. Im more mad with mom than I am with dad. How can she hide such a thing? Im sorry Noura but male sheghel I have to confront her, mu ebkaifha tqarer
Shahad: I agree with Farah... Noura think of it, jad. Wouldnt you want to know?
Noura: I would, bss I would hate the fact ena Im the snitch that couldnt keep her mouth shut
Shahad: No one is gonna know its you, dont worry
It's been almost 3 weeks since the word spread that I had cancer, but still no word from my dad, I was waiting 3ala nar, hoping he'd at least call. But who was I kidding, at the end it was "Baba" musta7eel he gives a shit. That's too human of him.
Me: You guys, dad still hasn't asked about me.
Shahad: its dad, what do you expect from him, he will never put the effort.
Noura: ummm...
Me: What, ummmm?
Noura looked guilty, it was obvious she was hiding something. Shahad gave her kept staring at her, waiting for her to confess on her own.
Shahad: Well, were waiting if you haven't noticed.
Me: Noura, there's no point in hiding anything cause Im going to find out either way.
Shahad: Exactly! So just spill already
Noura: Okay, but you have got to promise me one thing, matgouloun 7ag mama I told you guys
Both Me & Shahad: Promise
Noura: ummm, u guys lat3a9boun la2any ma geltlkum, bss mom doesn't even know that I know, and I kind of estame3d
Shahad: tara ga3d tkhar3eena, khal9eena
Noura: Stfu shahad and just listen.
Shahad: e7tarmay nafsech 3ad, Im your big sister
Noura: big sister my ass
Me: Both of you can shut up, la2ana if you keep arguing mara7 nkhale9, ou were going to end up forgetting what we wanted to know in the first place, So Noura, if you may, please bss goulay el salfa, bdoun mat6awleenha
Shahad: ugh fine, JUST cause I wanna know el salfa
Noura: okay, so the other day, I came back home early from uni, and I sort of over heard mama talking to dad. Actually they weren't talking, they were practically yelling their heads off.
Shahad: what where they saying?! Ou haw ta3alay, mu chna mama matkalm baba, ou shelsalfa?
Noura shot Shahad a look, which meant, either she shut her mouth and listen or mara7 tkamel
Shahad: sorry sorry
Noura: okay, so what I heard, which is not exact btw is that, dad wanted to get in touch with us, and he wanted to talk to you. Once he found out that you had cancer he went crazy. Trying to find any way in talking to you, but mom kept pushing him away. I heard her tell him... "Im not going to let you into our lives now. 17 years, 17 years ma fakart terfa3 el sama3a 3ala bentk! I dont care if you regret it! Dont forget the day that you moved into the house, and I went and stayed in the Shallaih, tathker wela la2? And I told you the only way I'll let you back in our lives is actually acting like a father to your children, What did you do?! The next morning you packed your bags and went. Mashallah 3afya ubou, 3afya qedwa!"
She was right, I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was so clear. A sudden pain hit my chest, not physically, no. Emotionally. He left us diary, he left us without even saying goodbye, I never got why he treated us like that. Why he hated us, what did we ever do to him?
Shahad: WTH IS MOM'S PROBLEM!?! When dad actually wants to mend what was in the past, tyee ou she ruins it all! Is she kidding me?
Noura: I dont blame her! Shahad, ubouy elli swah mu shway, la tnsain!
Shahad: Okay bss everyone deserves a second chance! For once, I'd like to feel how it's like to have a father...
And a tear escaped her eye. I felt sorry for Shahad, she acted all tough and strong but she was really vulnrable. At the moment I wasnt mad because dad was trying to get back in our lives, I was mad because of mom, how could she hide such a thing?!
Me: Mom has no right whatsoever enha she does what she did, she cant decide for us. Im more mad with mom than I am with dad. How can she hide such a thing? Im sorry Noura but male sheghel I have to confront her, mu ebkaifha tqarer
Shahad: I agree with Farah... Noura think of it, jad. Wouldnt you want to know?
Noura: I would, bss I would hate the fact ena Im the snitch that couldnt keep her mouth shut
Shahad: No one is gonna know its you, dont worry
One Step At A Time 7
Dear Diary,
Everyone found out about me having cancer. It was annoying, all I saw on my timeline was الله يشافي فرح الفلاني and ad3eya about me, and how enshallah, I would be all better. I decided to open my ask since it's been almost a week. I was speechless. Just speechless, about what I got.
"Finally you got cancer?:) Im so glad you got it, now MAYBE just MAYBE you'll change and stop acting like a bitch to people"
" Omg, I feel so bad for you, maskeena kaaaaaak, 67say with your cancer you freak"
" you don't deserve getting cancer, Jad. I feel sorry for you, hope you get better;*"
" LOOL you got cancer? You do realize if you die your going straight to hell gala what you did in the past don't you?"
" You poor thing:( 7beeebti, allah yshafeech xx"
" wallah ma tstahlain:("
" your one of the strongest people I know, keep doing what your doing, ou enshallah you'll get through with all of this drama. I don't judge you, cause I know what you've been through, and I admire you for that, love you babe, get well soon"
I slammed the laptop screen, and started crying. I cried because I had that fucking marath, I cried because of what the people said about me. I cried because I haven't heard anything yet from my dad. I cried because of all the people that had cancer. I cried, because I was young, because I was young, and it was unfair, and... and well, all I want. Is another chance, another chance to start all over again, and do everything right. But there's no point in regretting anything now, all's said and done. I read what they told me, over and over and over again. I deleted every single question one by one, and clicked on deactivate account. It was that simple, everything they said didn't exist anymore. I might have deleted it from the net. But it was still there, in my mind. Haunting me. I hugged my stuffed hippo, and told him everything. I didn't care if he understood me or not, at least he stayed quiet while I was talking. My eyes were shot red that night, I felt so weak and tired, I mumbled to myself استغفر الله repeatedly hoping that god might actually forgive me for what I have done.
Everyone found out about me having cancer. It was annoying, all I saw on my timeline was الله يشافي فرح الفلاني and ad3eya about me, and how enshallah, I would be all better. I decided to open my ask since it's been almost a week. I was speechless. Just speechless, about what I got.
"Finally you got cancer?:) Im so glad you got it, now MAYBE just MAYBE you'll change and stop acting like a bitch to people"
" Omg, I feel so bad for you, maskeena kaaaaaak, 67say with your cancer you freak"
" you don't deserve getting cancer, Jad. I feel sorry for you, hope you get better;*"
" LOOL you got cancer? You do realize if you die your going straight to hell gala what you did in the past don't you?"
" You poor thing:( 7beeebti, allah yshafeech xx"
" wallah ma tstahlain:("
" your one of the strongest people I know, keep doing what your doing, ou enshallah you'll get through with all of this drama. I don't judge you, cause I know what you've been through, and I admire you for that, love you babe, get well soon"
I slammed the laptop screen, and started crying. I cried because I had that fucking marath, I cried because of what the people said about me. I cried because I haven't heard anything yet from my dad. I cried because of all the people that had cancer. I cried, because I was young, because I was young, and it was unfair, and... and well, all I want. Is another chance, another chance to start all over again, and do everything right. But there's no point in regretting anything now, all's said and done. I read what they told me, over and over and over again. I deleted every single question one by one, and clicked on deactivate account. It was that simple, everything they said didn't exist anymore. I might have deleted it from the net. But it was still there, in my mind. Haunting me. I hugged my stuffed hippo, and told him everything. I didn't care if he understood me or not, at least he stayed quiet while I was talking. My eyes were shot red that night, I felt so weak and tired, I mumbled to myself استغفر الله repeatedly hoping that god might actually forgive me for what I have done.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
One Step At A Time 6
Dear Diary,
I woke up on the cold floor that morning. Face all sticky and puffy from all crying, and hair all over my face. I felt so tired and weak. Mom came in my room, she looked shocked, seeing me look like a mess on the floor.
Mama: Farah? Why were you sleeping on the floor? Are you okay? You know you can always talk to me about this, Im your mom darling.
And she took a strand of hair and tucked it behind my ear.
Me: Im perfectly fine mom *smiling* cant you see? Latkhafeen 7beebti, nothing's wrong
And I gave her a peck on the cheek. It felt like I was reassuring myself rather than reassuring my mom. I didnt want anyone to feel sorry for me. I was never a pitty case, and I never will be.
Mama: you sure honey?
Me: Positive mom
Mama: enzain do you have any plans today?
Me: No, why?
Mama: Bnrou7 ensawy ta7aleel, ou then khawatech yaboun ee6al3ounch
Me: fine with me
I went out that day with a smile on my face, on my way to go do the tests. I came back home exhausted. My sisters spent all their day with me, we went shopping together. For the first time the 3 of us 6ela3na weya ba3ath. Ou we actually had fun.
Shahad: Im glad we went out
Noura: Yeah, jad.
Shahad lit up a cigerette offering me and Noura one, but she quickly backed away once she remembered.
Shahad: Im sorry, I umm... I didnt mean to offer you one.
I could see that Noura was shooting her a glare
Shahad: Khala9, I'll just stop talking. Im sorry
Noura: Asheel 3anech elchyas? You look tired?
Me: No its okay.
Noura: No really I insist
She reached out to grab the bag but I pulled it away.
Me: Geltlech Im fine.
I said it slowly, trying to hold my anger. I was sick of them treating me like I was a baby. We were walking back to the parking lot so we could get out of this crowded mall. I accidentally hit my leg on a pole. And it bruised. Great. I started bruising so easily now. And guess what? The second my sisters' noticed the bruise. Bedaw.
Noura: Do you want me to take you to the dr?
Shahad: Are you okay 7beebti?
And they kept on going on how worried they were about me. And if I needed anything, I should tell them in a heartbeat.
Me: Stop it! Stop treating me like Im some child, cause Im not! I know how to take care of myself. All of a sudden you guys started caring? Men meta?! Amout wa3aref mn meta?! Remember a few weeks ago, NONE of you even wished me a happy birthday, let alone the fact that you guys NEVER even ask about me. Stop treating me differently just cause I have cancer. That's why I didnt want anyone knowing that I had it. All of you are gonna stare at me, and be like poor Farah, she has cancer. Omg, how is she dealing with all of this. You know what, I dont care if you talk behind my back, as long as none of you change the way you act towards me, bss 3shan chthy. Ana 6oul 3umry kent brou7y, ma7asait ena 3andy um, wela ubouh. Ham khawaty elli uhma khawaty, ma kanaw ys2loun 3any, ma kanaw egouloun yemken ekhetna ga3d tsawy shay ghala6, khal nn9a7ha, wela 3umrkum fakartaw t6l3oun m3ay. Wela ham tdshoun my room ou tg3doun ma3ay.
And Dairy, I just started crying, suddenly I felt a sharp pain through my chest and I could barely breath. My sister's rushed me to the hospital, both of them in tears. Regretting the things they did to me in the past, and begging for my forgivness. It turned out I had breathing difficulties, it was something normal for a luekemia patient. I just had to have a inhaler with me 24/7 and try not to get myself mad. At the end Diary, I forgave them. Maybe this cancer thing did have a bright side to it. I noticed it's been bringing us all back together, finally as a family. But there was one thing missing. I was just waiting for my dad's knock on the door, his phone call, anything. But as usual, nothing. Nothing ever good comes from him, zain mena he remember's my birthday.
I woke up on the cold floor that morning. Face all sticky and puffy from all crying, and hair all over my face. I felt so tired and weak. Mom came in my room, she looked shocked, seeing me look like a mess on the floor.
Mama: Farah? Why were you sleeping on the floor? Are you okay? You know you can always talk to me about this, Im your mom darling.
And she took a strand of hair and tucked it behind my ear.
Me: Im perfectly fine mom *smiling* cant you see? Latkhafeen 7beebti, nothing's wrong
And I gave her a peck on the cheek. It felt like I was reassuring myself rather than reassuring my mom. I didnt want anyone to feel sorry for me. I was never a pitty case, and I never will be.
Mama: you sure honey?
Me: Positive mom
Mama: enzain do you have any plans today?
Me: No, why?
Mama: Bnrou7 ensawy ta7aleel, ou then khawatech yaboun ee6al3ounch
Me: fine with me
I went out that day with a smile on my face, on my way to go do the tests. I came back home exhausted. My sisters spent all their day with me, we went shopping together. For the first time the 3 of us 6ela3na weya ba3ath. Ou we actually had fun.
Shahad: Im glad we went out
Noura: Yeah, jad.
Shahad lit up a cigerette offering me and Noura one, but she quickly backed away once she remembered.
Shahad: Im sorry, I umm... I didnt mean to offer you one.
I could see that Noura was shooting her a glare
Shahad: Khala9, I'll just stop talking. Im sorry
Noura: Asheel 3anech elchyas? You look tired?
Me: No its okay.
Noura: No really I insist
She reached out to grab the bag but I pulled it away.
Me: Geltlech Im fine.
I said it slowly, trying to hold my anger. I was sick of them treating me like I was a baby. We were walking back to the parking lot so we could get out of this crowded mall. I accidentally hit my leg on a pole. And it bruised. Great. I started bruising so easily now. And guess what? The second my sisters' noticed the bruise. Bedaw.
Noura: Do you want me to take you to the dr?
Shahad: Are you okay 7beebti?
And they kept on going on how worried they were about me. And if I needed anything, I should tell them in a heartbeat.
Me: Stop it! Stop treating me like Im some child, cause Im not! I know how to take care of myself. All of a sudden you guys started caring? Men meta?! Amout wa3aref mn meta?! Remember a few weeks ago, NONE of you even wished me a happy birthday, let alone the fact that you guys NEVER even ask about me. Stop treating me differently just cause I have cancer. That's why I didnt want anyone knowing that I had it. All of you are gonna stare at me, and be like poor Farah, she has cancer. Omg, how is she dealing with all of this. You know what, I dont care if you talk behind my back, as long as none of you change the way you act towards me, bss 3shan chthy. Ana 6oul 3umry kent brou7y, ma7asait ena 3andy um, wela ubouh. Ham khawaty elli uhma khawaty, ma kanaw ys2loun 3any, ma kanaw egouloun yemken ekhetna ga3d tsawy shay ghala6, khal nn9a7ha, wela 3umrkum fakartaw t6l3oun m3ay. Wela ham tdshoun my room ou tg3doun ma3ay.
And Dairy, I just started crying, suddenly I felt a sharp pain through my chest and I could barely breath. My sister's rushed me to the hospital, both of them in tears. Regretting the things they did to me in the past, and begging for my forgivness. It turned out I had breathing difficulties, it was something normal for a luekemia patient. I just had to have a inhaler with me 24/7 and try not to get myself mad. At the end Diary, I forgave them. Maybe this cancer thing did have a bright side to it. I noticed it's been bringing us all back together, finally as a family. But there was one thing missing. I was just waiting for my dad's knock on the door, his phone call, anything. But as usual, nothing. Nothing ever good comes from him, zain mena he remember's my birthday.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
One Step At A Time 5
Dear Diary,
I couldnt believe my ears. Me? Cancer? But why? I was shocked, I felt numb, emotionless. Nothing, literally. Mom broke down, crying and screaming. She was more miserable than me. But I just stared at her. I stared at her like nothing happened, like I didnt just hear that I might have cancer. The Dr. wanted to reasure us, that he wasnt a 100% sure of it, until we did some tests, so mama calmed down.
Dr. Talal: We'll start with blood tests, to see if your white blood cells are abnormally high, and if it is that means your bone marrow isnt working proparly, and you might need a transplant. I know this is too much on you right now, and you might not realize what's happening to you. But dont worry, were all by your side. We'll take it one step at a time.
I suddenly started having a hard time breathing. And my nose started bleeding. I panicked. After that, I couldnt remember anything. I woke up a hour later in a hospital bed. My mom and Dr.Talal were talking about something. they were distant. But I could still hear them.
Dr. Talal: This is completely normal for a person with leukemia. She will have nose bleeds, and a lot more stuff. But she has to learn to cope with it all. Its gonna be hard at first, but she'll get used to it. She needs to get all the support she can get, and we dont need any negative people around her. Everyone has to keep her positive, and always remind her to have faith and hope, and to fight. We'll make sure that the cancer isnt spreading and that hopefully she's in the early stage of cancer.
Mama: *sniff sniff* What's the chance of her survival?
Dr.Talal: Wallah i can't say, kelshay eb eed allah, but elli sema3ta its just over 50%
Mama: *smiling* so she does have hope right?
Dr.Talal: I told you I cant say, we'll see how she responds to the treatment.
I felt so disgusted with myself, once mom came, back she took me home, the car ride back home was so quiet. None of us talked. Atleast she knew I wasnt ready to talk about it. I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me. I kept kicking and screaming. Why me?! Yaraby why me?! What did I ever do!! I held the pillow and held it against my mouth, and yelled as hard as I could. No one could hear me thanks to the pillow. I punched and pushed and broke my side lamp. Ma we3ait ella my finger was bleeding. I started getting cuts to easy thanks to the fucking leukemia. Diary. I was pissed. No I was angry, I was angry with the world, I was angry with the people, I was angry with how unfair things turned out. I just broke up with my boyfriend. My friend's werent by my side. My sisters just got out of jail. My mom has a fucking boyfriend, and might be sleeping with him for all I know, and dad doesnt even know what the hell is happening in the house. I calmed down and reached for my laptop, I wanted to see what exactly were the symptoms of Leukemia were, and what I had to do. I started searching eb google, and I stumbled into various sites. My eyes went swooping from one to another. Every single thing looked worse than the other.
Bleeding gums, nose bleeds, paleness, abnormal white blood cells count, bruising, unintentionally weight loss, fatigue, fever, joint pain. Every single thing that I felt was there. And worse. I slammed the laptop cover hard, and spent the night piled up in a ball hugging my stuffed hippo and crying my eyes out. I couldnt, I couldnt handle the fact that I was just 17 with a life ahead of me. And now I find out I have cancer. All my anger, frustration, guilt, hurt, sadness, turned into weeping and crying. 6ala3t kel 7arety that night. I washed my face cause of all the crying, and I decided to etwathe2 and pray. God, its been a long time since I last prayed. I barely remember how. I put on my prayer clothes, and lay down my sejada, and prayed and prayed and prayed my heart out, and cried and cried and cried my heart out. Atleast it helped. It made me feel calm. I ended up falling asleep on the floor that night.
I couldnt believe my ears. Me? Cancer? But why? I was shocked, I felt numb, emotionless. Nothing, literally. Mom broke down, crying and screaming. She was more miserable than me. But I just stared at her. I stared at her like nothing happened, like I didnt just hear that I might have cancer. The Dr. wanted to reasure us, that he wasnt a 100% sure of it, until we did some tests, so mama calmed down.
Dr. Talal: We'll start with blood tests, to see if your white blood cells are abnormally high, and if it is that means your bone marrow isnt working proparly, and you might need a transplant. I know this is too much on you right now, and you might not realize what's happening to you. But dont worry, were all by your side. We'll take it one step at a time.
I suddenly started having a hard time breathing. And my nose started bleeding. I panicked. After that, I couldnt remember anything. I woke up a hour later in a hospital bed. My mom and Dr.Talal were talking about something. they were distant. But I could still hear them.
Dr. Talal: This is completely normal for a person with leukemia. She will have nose bleeds, and a lot more stuff. But she has to learn to cope with it all. Its gonna be hard at first, but she'll get used to it. She needs to get all the support she can get, and we dont need any negative people around her. Everyone has to keep her positive, and always remind her to have faith and hope, and to fight. We'll make sure that the cancer isnt spreading and that hopefully she's in the early stage of cancer.
Mama: *sniff sniff* What's the chance of her survival?
Dr.Talal: Wallah i can't say, kelshay eb eed allah, but elli sema3ta its just over 50%
Mama: *smiling* so she does have hope right?
Dr.Talal: I told you I cant say, we'll see how she responds to the treatment.
I felt so disgusted with myself, once mom came, back she took me home, the car ride back home was so quiet. None of us talked. Atleast she knew I wasnt ready to talk about it. I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me. I kept kicking and screaming. Why me?! Yaraby why me?! What did I ever do!! I held the pillow and held it against my mouth, and yelled as hard as I could. No one could hear me thanks to the pillow. I punched and pushed and broke my side lamp. Ma we3ait ella my finger was bleeding. I started getting cuts to easy thanks to the fucking leukemia. Diary. I was pissed. No I was angry, I was angry with the world, I was angry with the people, I was angry with how unfair things turned out. I just broke up with my boyfriend. My friend's werent by my side. My sisters just got out of jail. My mom has a fucking boyfriend, and might be sleeping with him for all I know, and dad doesnt even know what the hell is happening in the house. I calmed down and reached for my laptop, I wanted to see what exactly were the symptoms of Leukemia were, and what I had to do. I started searching eb google, and I stumbled into various sites. My eyes went swooping from one to another. Every single thing looked worse than the other.
Bleeding gums, nose bleeds, paleness, abnormal white blood cells count, bruising, unintentionally weight loss, fatigue, fever, joint pain. Every single thing that I felt was there. And worse. I slammed the laptop cover hard, and spent the night piled up in a ball hugging my stuffed hippo and crying my eyes out. I couldnt, I couldnt handle the fact that I was just 17 with a life ahead of me. And now I find out I have cancer. All my anger, frustration, guilt, hurt, sadness, turned into weeping and crying. 6ala3t kel 7arety that night. I washed my face cause of all the crying, and I decided to etwathe2 and pray. God, its been a long time since I last prayed. I barely remember how. I put on my prayer clothes, and lay down my sejada, and prayed and prayed and prayed my heart out, and cried and cried and cried my heart out. Atleast it helped. It made me feel calm. I ended up falling asleep on the floor that night.
One Step At A Time 4
Dear Diary,
My sisters came back home the next day, they looked like a mess. But then again, they always did. Jesus I felt so ashamed to have them as sisters. They were a burden. But then it hit me, I do the same shit that they do, but the only difference is they got caught. I spent my time trying to get over Aziz. I felt pain hit my pride. I felt lonely. My friends completely left me seeing that I was in a bad mood, and went partying with the guys. No one stayed by my side, when I needed them the most. They abandoned me. I felt fatigued over the next few days, I got diarrhea, and it kept getting worse. My mom got worried and took me to the hospital to go get checkups. I went into the Dr.'s appointment alone, leaving my mama outside, patiently waiting for me.
Me: Salam Ou 3laikum
Dr.Talal: Wa3alaikum elsalam, 3sa ma shar? What's wrong?
Me: I've been getting dairrhea for some time now, and Im loosing a lot of wieght.
Dr. Talal: okay, do you feel fatigued and dizzy at times? Any new things happening to you?
Me: Yes! And I've been getting these red spots all over my hands and legs, and Im starting to bruise real easily.
Dr. Talal: Can you ask your mom to come in, now please?
Me: okay,
Diary, madre laish, bss hal wakt 7asait feeh shay ghala6. The Dr's features changed completely when I told him I was bruising real easily. And I started panicking. I called my mom real quick. And she went in the office. She looked at the Dr. Wayha ma kan ee6amen kelesh.
Dr. Talal: Farah, can you please leave the room for a bit?
Me: Im not leaving. What your gonna tell my mama btgoula jdamy. It's my health, I have the right to know
Mom: Dr. Talal, its okay, let her stay. Cause I know her, rasha yabes, mara7 tesma3 el kalam
Dr.Talal: I dont want to freak anyone of you out. But I have to tell you, that your daughter might be daignosed with cancer. We cant make sure, unless she does some blood tests.
My sisters came back home the next day, they looked like a mess. But then again, they always did. Jesus I felt so ashamed to have them as sisters. They were a burden. But then it hit me, I do the same shit that they do, but the only difference is they got caught. I spent my time trying to get over Aziz. I felt pain hit my pride. I felt lonely. My friends completely left me seeing that I was in a bad mood, and went partying with the guys. No one stayed by my side, when I needed them the most. They abandoned me. I felt fatigued over the next few days, I got diarrhea, and it kept getting worse. My mom got worried and took me to the hospital to go get checkups. I went into the Dr.'s appointment alone, leaving my mama outside, patiently waiting for me.
Me: Salam Ou 3laikum
Dr.Talal: Wa3alaikum elsalam, 3sa ma shar? What's wrong?
Me: I've been getting dairrhea for some time now, and Im loosing a lot of wieght.
Dr. Talal: okay, do you feel fatigued and dizzy at times? Any new things happening to you?
Me: Yes! And I've been getting these red spots all over my hands and legs, and Im starting to bruise real easily.
Dr. Talal: Can you ask your mom to come in, now please?
Me: okay,
Diary, madre laish, bss hal wakt 7asait feeh shay ghala6. The Dr's features changed completely when I told him I was bruising real easily. And I started panicking. I called my mom real quick. And she went in the office. She looked at the Dr. Wayha ma kan ee6amen kelesh.
Dr. Talal: Farah, can you please leave the room for a bit?
Me: Im not leaving. What your gonna tell my mama btgoula jdamy. It's my health, I have the right to know
Mom: Dr. Talal, its okay, let her stay. Cause I know her, rasha yabes, mara7 tesma3 el kalam
Dr.Talal: I dont want to freak anyone of you out. But I have to tell you, that your daughter might be daignosed with cancer. We cant make sure, unless she does some blood tests.
One Step At A Time 3
Dear Diary,
I met up with her friends, Fatma, and Shamayel... They walked towards me all confident, looking beautiful. lets just say too much skin was showing. Apparently they just came back from a guy's apartment. I might be there friend and do shit like them, but I never put foot in a guy's apartment, I dont know how they do that.
Me: You guys look sexy, who was it this time? Hamad?
Shamayel: we know we are, la2 wai3, he doesnt know how to kiss... It was the hottie Khaled, and his friend Bader
Fatma: 6ab3an I took Bader, bss t9adgeen ham uhwa jameel
Me: ofcourse, you guys never choose ugly guys
We spent the day chilaxing eb starbucks Ra7al, ou smoking. Everyone stared at us, but honestly i loved the attention we got, whether attracting good or bad attention. It wouldnt make a difference to us. When we finished I went home that night, and got a call from a unknown number
Me: hello
..: Aloo, entay Farah El flany?
Me: eeeh, mnu m3ay
...: E7na el makhafer, we looked through your sisters' phone, ou you were the last number they called. I'd like you to tell your mother to report to makhfar al xxxx al7een.
Me: shelsalfa, laish?
....: bss khal umech tyee.
Ou he hung up, Diary, I was really scared, I knew that this day would eventually come, ena the police would e6ee7 3ala one of my sisters, they were so careless. I quickly told my mom, and we put on our 3abayas and went. It turned out the police were suspicious of my
two sister's lman they saw them driving carelessly in the car, they made them pull over, and they were drunk. My mama was pissed when she heard what had happened. She promised them that this will never happen, ou she would pay them 20,000 to just act like this never happened. They agreed, but the girls had to stay a night in jail for now. Mama had no choice but to say okay. They spend the night behind bars. When Shahad
& Noura (My sisters) came home the next day they got a hell of a zafa, but ofcourse, they couldnt care less, one of them was 22 ou the other one was 24, why would they give a shit? My phone started ringing and it was Fatma, why would she be calling at 2 am in the morning? I answered the phone worried
Me: shfeech daga 3lay el sa3a 2
Fatma: ummm, Madre shloun agoulch
Me: goulay! ga3d tkhar3eeny
Fatma: well, ermmm, my cousin just called me and she told me she met a guy, ou theyve been going steady for the past few months.
Me: okay?
Fatma: well, that guy... umm... 6ela3, Aziz
I dropped the phone on the floor, I tried breathing but I couldnt inhale long breathes. Awal mara e9eer feeha chthy. I started breathing slowly, and steadly. Fatma on the other hand, kept calling my name through the phone but she got no reply. She closed the phone after 5 min worried. It feels like I had a mini heart attack. I pulled herself together and called Aziz.
Aziz: hey hun, shfeech daga hal 7aza?
Me: Aziz. answer this question. Maku buts, its either a yes or no. Are you cheating on me?
Aziz: What makes you think that? 7beebti ana a7bch
Me: CUT THE CRAP AZIZ! I KNOW ABOUT THE GIRL! ham t9er ena you love me, ou your not cheating on me? Oh no, you must be on the coldest people I know, shnu you bumped your head wela what? Thinking im not gonna find out, laa2 ou m9adeg chthbetek ba3ad. Allah m3ak bss
Aziz: tadreen shloun elsharha 3lay yal wa9kha! yebtlech hadaya, ou wanastech wntay chthy TFOU 3LAICH
Me: fuck your presents, you'll find them on the doorstep 3and baitk, so you can give it to that girl. Allah yhaneek.
And I slammed the phone on his face. I was angry, hurt, frustrated, confused. I felt like someone jabbed a knife through my chest. I looked through her closets and put everything Aziz got me in a pile, and put them in a bag. I decided that I would give it to him tomorrow, the faster I got rid of the stuff the better. Slowly taking of my clothes, I went and took a hot shower, the bruises found bruises on her legs, and red spots on her
skin, got my attention. I dont remember hitting my leg, or anything, I never got bruises this easily. The night passed by, and I sent the driver and dropped the shit 3and his house. I blocked him from whatsapp, so I sent him a message
Me: The things are at your doorstep. Take them, I dont want anything that reminds me of you
I met up with her friends, Fatma, and Shamayel... They walked towards me all confident, looking beautiful. lets just say too much skin was showing. Apparently they just came back from a guy's apartment. I might be there friend and do shit like them, but I never put foot in a guy's apartment, I dont know how they do that.
Me: You guys look sexy, who was it this time? Hamad?
Shamayel: we know we are, la2 wai3, he doesnt know how to kiss... It was the hottie Khaled, and his friend Bader
Fatma: 6ab3an I took Bader, bss t9adgeen ham uhwa jameel
Me: ofcourse, you guys never choose ugly guys
We spent the day chilaxing eb starbucks Ra7al, ou smoking. Everyone stared at us, but honestly i loved the attention we got, whether attracting good or bad attention. It wouldnt make a difference to us. When we finished I went home that night, and got a call from a unknown number
Me: hello
..: Aloo, entay Farah El flany?
Me: eeeh, mnu m3ay
...: E7na el makhafer, we looked through your sisters' phone, ou you were the last number they called. I'd like you to tell your mother to report to makhfar al xxxx al7een.
Me: shelsalfa, laish?
....: bss khal umech tyee.
Ou he hung up, Diary, I was really scared, I knew that this day would eventually come, ena the police would e6ee7 3ala one of my sisters, they were so careless. I quickly told my mom, and we put on our 3abayas and went. It turned out the police were suspicious of my
two sister's lman they saw them driving carelessly in the car, they made them pull over, and they were drunk. My mama was pissed when she heard what had happened. She promised them that this will never happen, ou she would pay them 20,000 to just act like this never happened. They agreed, but the girls had to stay a night in jail for now. Mama had no choice but to say okay. They spend the night behind bars. When Shahad
& Noura (My sisters) came home the next day they got a hell of a zafa, but ofcourse, they couldnt care less, one of them was 22 ou the other one was 24, why would they give a shit? My phone started ringing and it was Fatma, why would she be calling at 2 am in the morning? I answered the phone worried
Me: shfeech daga 3lay el sa3a 2
Fatma: ummm, Madre shloun agoulch
Me: goulay! ga3d tkhar3eeny
Fatma: well, ermmm, my cousin just called me and she told me she met a guy, ou theyve been going steady for the past few months.
Me: okay?
Fatma: well, that guy... umm... 6ela3, Aziz
I dropped the phone on the floor, I tried breathing but I couldnt inhale long breathes. Awal mara e9eer feeha chthy. I started breathing slowly, and steadly. Fatma on the other hand, kept calling my name through the phone but she got no reply. She closed the phone after 5 min worried. It feels like I had a mini heart attack. I pulled herself together and called Aziz.
Aziz: hey hun, shfeech daga hal 7aza?
Me: Aziz. answer this question. Maku buts, its either a yes or no. Are you cheating on me?
Aziz: What makes you think that? 7beebti ana a7bch
Me: CUT THE CRAP AZIZ! I KNOW ABOUT THE GIRL! ham t9er ena you love me, ou your not cheating on me? Oh no, you must be on the coldest people I know, shnu you bumped your head wela what? Thinking im not gonna find out, laa2 ou m9adeg chthbetek ba3ad. Allah m3ak bss
Aziz: tadreen shloun elsharha 3lay yal wa9kha! yebtlech hadaya, ou wanastech wntay chthy TFOU 3LAICH
Me: fuck your presents, you'll find them on the doorstep 3and baitk, so you can give it to that girl. Allah yhaneek.
And I slammed the phone on his face. I was angry, hurt, frustrated, confused. I felt like someone jabbed a knife through my chest. I looked through her closets and put everything Aziz got me in a pile, and put them in a bag. I decided that I would give it to him tomorrow, the faster I got rid of the stuff the better. Slowly taking of my clothes, I went and took a hot shower, the bruises found bruises on her legs, and red spots on her
skin, got my attention. I dont remember hitting my leg, or anything, I never got bruises this easily. The night passed by, and I sent the driver and dropped the shit 3and his house. I blocked him from whatsapp, so I sent him a message
Me: The things are at your doorstep. Take them, I dont want anything that reminds me of you
Friday, September 14, 2012
One Step At A Time 2
Dear Diary,
Farah: Im calling her but her phone is off. How the hell do you expect me to know
Lachmy: tsk tsk tsk, mushkela kabeer
Mom came back on the 3rd day, all happy and perky. COMPLETELY ignoring the fact that she was gone for 3 days. I just stared at her, sighed and went to my room listening to music, reminiscing bout the old days,when my parents were together, it was one of the only pictures I had left, that actually showed all of us together, happy most of all, a family. That's all that I want diary, is it that much to ask?
I spent the next few days
skipping school with my friends, smoking 3and el baqala, I honestly didnt give a 2 shits if anyone saw me. My mom knew I smoked, she couldn't
do anything about it, zafatny, ou 3aqebatny, but that
didn't work. Sometime's diary, I wonder if mom really does care, or if she only does this so no one would critisize the way she's raising us She reached home, and salemat 3ala her mom
Mom: I have a really big day today, barou7 atsaba7 ou atjahaz, atmana you
and your sister's dont do anything stupid please
Me: Wain ray7a?
Mom: Ba6la3
Me: eeh wain, shda3wa chthy 7ag 6al3a? 3laaainaa yumaaa
Mom: chub yallah 3ad mu sheghlech, Im going to the bathroom and freshen up,
wish me luck
Me: good luck on whatever your planning on doing
I knew mom had a boyfriend,
I would hear her mom talking to him on the phone. God the conversations they had were nasty. Apparently the
walls had ears, and even if I tried avoiding the phone calls between them, I couldnt, sound really travels in this house. I could
here everything and I knew everything. Mama left her phone on the table that day, so I took advantage of the fact that I'm all alone and snatached the phone and started snooping around. I saw convo's between her
and her boyfriend. It was literally disturbing. But one thing
caught my eye. Before I could read the rest of there conversation, mom came bursting in, and I quickly dropped the phone...
acting like nothing happened.
Mom: How do I look?
Me: Beautiful
Mom: Okay, Im going now, if you need anything just call me
Me: okay, take care
mom: thankyou 7beebti *gave her a kiss on the cheek*
I then remembered the message that I
saw in my mom's phone. It said
...: Elyoum blsheqa la tnsain, we have to celebrate!
I was surprised. They had a sheqa
too? Wtf. Enshallah umy mu chthy, I knew they were serious. But my grandparents
ma yerthoun my mama ttzawaj again, Ya terja3 ma3a
dad, which is wai3, ou law shnu mara7 terja3la or she stays single. So all the kept going around
in my head, at that time. Did she get married... in secret? It bothered
me, alot. I dont mind her getting married again but I didnt want her getting hurt, not to mention how should we know if the guy shes with is serious about her, and does love her. Or the fact that he only wants to play, my mom already got her heartbroken once, if I see her get hurt again, ra7 a6al3 raqma ou ra7 asafel feeh. I pushed the thought away, and went to take a
smoke, in the rooftop, it's my favorite place. Ma kent aby shay ee3aker mazajy, I would always go up there and think. No one to bother me, no
one had the keys except me. And it better stay that way. It was MY place, where all my
thoughts came to life. No one to judge me, no one to annoy
me, a place to look at the sky, and think, think about
everything, and nothing. A place where I felt safe and sound. I
kept inhaling deep on my cigarette. I inhaled it with anger,
hurt, depression all piled up inside me. I suddenly
felt a sharp pain in my stomach, again. It was getting
worse. I didn't know what it was, but it isnt a big deal is it diary? After all everyone gets
my mama would usually do
that, not come home for a few days. It was normal. Second day
passed by still no word. We were running low
on the food, just like everytime she left without telling us. She's so selfish, she left us all, knowing that if anything happened we had no one to go to.
Lachmy: Where is mama, there is no chicken for lunch?
Farah: Im calling her but her phone is off. How the hell do you expect me to know
Lachmy: tsk tsk tsk, mushkela kabeer
Mom came back on the 3rd day, all happy and perky. COMPLETELY ignoring the fact that she was gone for 3 days. I just stared at her, sighed and went to my room listening to music, reminiscing bout the old days,when my parents were together, it was one of the only pictures I had left, that actually showed all of us together, happy most of all, a family. That's all that I want diary, is it that much to ask?
One Step At A Time 1
You
guys ga3d agoulekum min al7een. There are inappropriate scenes. And It's not a
true story. Enjoy xx
Dear Diary
I looked out the window, thinking about my life, and what I've done. I tried to look for a loophole, anything that might indicate of me doing something useful. Nothing. Nothing,
but regrets. I had 2 sisters. My parents are divorced, I havnt seen my father except on Eid events, which is like 2 times a year. I had 0 contact with him. He never acted like a father to me, he never asked about me. He never made me feel like I was daddy’s little girl so why would I act like a daughter to him? Anyone who asked about mt dad, I would just answer with a simple question. “For all I know, he could be dead by now” My 2 elder sister’s were in there own world. A world of drinking, guys, apartments, parties… Anything to escape the reality they lived in, anything to ignore my mom’s pleading for them to stop all the sins that they’re doing.
Mom: Wain 6al3a?
Me: What’s it to you? Ba6la3. You never asked me where Im going or coming, why
ask now?
Mom: *sigh* cause Im your mother
Me: Haha, that’s a new one. Being a mom doesn’t only involve you supporting us
financially.
Mom: Mat3almeeny shloun akoun Um fahma!!! E7tarmay nafsech!
Me: ok. Im out, yallah bye
Mom: Men sema7lech t6l3een?
Me: Ana?
Mom: La ebtg3deen
Me: haha sure
I
got in the car, and flashed him a smile.
Me:
hala feek
Aziz, was my boyfriend, we've been together for almost 6 months now. Let’s just say he wasn’t the most loyal guy in town, and he was bad news. But at that time he showered me with love and attention, something I didnt get too often. He wrapped his arms around my small waist and started kissing my neck
Aziz:
al7een ana el3ayar? Sheftay shnu labsa ou yayatly? Mnu yegdar yamsek 3umra
chthy?
And I gave him a peck on the cheek
Aziz: Mn 3youni
We
reached our usual place. And Aziz placed his hands over my eyes
Aziz: Ne6ray, 3endy lech surprise
Me:
What is it?
It was a red bottega bracelet, he put it on my hand. And kissed it. We stayed like this, staring at each other for a few minutes, then Aziz leaned in and started kissing my neck slowly. Each kiss was even more hungrier than the other. He placed his hands on my back sliding it all the way down till the edge of my back, and leaned me on the car seat... It was getting more steamier by the second. Until I called it off. I knew what I did was wrong. But at that time it seemed so right, so in place.
Me: Aziz, you know your limits. Stop.
Aziz: Honey, bss shway, khaleeny astanas
Me: La2, bss Aziz stop it!
He wouldn't stop, he kept on going.
Me: AZIZ!!! BSS!
Aziz: Enzain enzain! I wasnt gonna do anything anyways. Lay 6ee7 ne9ech bss
Me: Take me home now!
Aziz: Mu fatheelch, ba6la3 weya el rab3 al7een
Me: ga3d tsta3b6 9a7?
Aziz: La2? Dabray 3umrech
I stared at him, like I was lost and confused. Sometime's I thought he was serious about what he says to me, but he would say it was a joke just to rage3 elsalfa.
Aziz: age9 3laich yuba, al7een ag6ch
Me: for a split second I thought you were serious
Aziz: Lai hal daraja shayfatny 7aqeer?
Me: eeeeh
Aziz: aaa77, mashi ana a3almch
He started tickling me everywhere, I was begging him to stop.
Me: Aziz bss, bss!! Ba6ny, ayyy, wallah mn9ejy ga3d t3awerny
He stopped, and I was seriously hurt. He was surprised, makan ga3d ythgha6 3ala ba6ny. Bss it really did hurt, I turned pale for a second, and really uncomfortable.
Aziz: Farah is something wrong?
Me: La2, bss ba6ny gam ee3awerny, madre shfeeny, hal cham youm male khulg akel, ou Im loosing weight.
Me: I dont know, loss of appetite?
Aziz: Not an excuse, eb takleen qa9ben 3laich fahma
Me: Fine, now chenek you forgot something?
Aziz: Eeh ta3alay khan ag6ch el bait.
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