One Step At A Time 5

Dear Diary,


I couldnt believe my ears. Me? Cancer? But why? I was shocked, I felt numb, emotionless. Nothing, literally. Mom broke down, crying and screaming. She was more miserable than me. But I just stared at her. I stared at her like nothing happened, like I didnt just hear that I might have cancer. The Dr. wanted to reasure us, that he wasnt a 100% sure of it, until we did some tests, so mama calmed down.


Dr. Talal: We'll start with blood tests, to see if your white blood cells are abnormally high, and if it is that means your bone marrow isnt working proparly, and you might need a transplant. I know this is too much on you right now, and you might not realize what's happening to you. But dont worry, were all by your side. We'll take it one step at a time.


I suddenly started having a hard time breathing. And my nose started bleeding. I panicked. After that, I couldnt remember anything. I woke up a hour later in a hospital bed. My mom and Dr.Talal were talking about something. they were distant. But I could still hear them.


Dr. Talal: This is completely normal for a person with leukemia. She will have nose bleeds, and a lot more stuff. But she has to learn to cope with it all. Its gonna be hard at first, but she'll get used to it. She needs to get all the support she can get, and we dont need any negative people around her. Everyone has to keep her positive, and always remind her to have faith and hope, and to fight. We'll make sure that the cancer isnt spreading and that hopefully she's in the early stage of cancer.


Mama: *sniff sniff* What's the chance of her survival?


Dr.Talal: Wallah i can't say, kelshay eb eed allah, but elli sema3ta its just over  50%


Mama: *smiling* so she does have hope right?


Dr.Talal: I told you I cant say, we'll see how she responds to the treatment.



I felt so disgusted with myself, once mom came, back she took me home, the car ride back home was so quiet. None of us talked. Atleast she knew I wasnt ready to talk about it. I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me. I kept kicking and screaming. Why me?! Yaraby why me?! What did I ever do!! I held the pillow and held it against my mouth, and yelled as hard as I could. No one could hear me thanks to the pillow. I punched and pushed and broke my side lamp. Ma we3ait ella my finger was bleeding. I started getting cuts to easy thanks to the fucking leukemia. Diary. I was pissed. No I was angry, I was angry with the world, I was angry with the people, I was angry with how unfair things turned out. I just broke up with my boyfriend. My friend's werent by my side. My sisters just got out of jail. My mom has a fucking boyfriend, and might be sleeping with him for all I know, and dad doesnt even know what the hell is happening in the house. I calmed down and reached for my laptop, I wanted to see what exactly were the symptoms of Leukemia were, and what I had to do. I started searching eb google, and I stumbled into various sites. My eyes went swooping from one to another. Every single thing looked worse than the other.


Bleeding gums, nose bleeds, paleness, abnormal white blood cells count, bruising, unintentionally weight loss, fatigue, fever, joint pain. Every single thing that I felt was there. And worse. I slammed the laptop cover hard, and spent the night piled up in a ball hugging my stuffed hippo and crying my eyes out. I couldnt, I couldnt handle the fact that I was just 17 with a life ahead of me. And now I find out I have cancer. All my anger, frustration, guilt, hurt, sadness, turned into weeping and crying. 6ala3t kel 7arety that night. I washed my face cause of all the crying, and I decided to etwathe2 and pray. God, its been a long time since I last prayed. I barely remember how. I put on my prayer clothes, and lay down my sejada, and prayed and prayed and prayed my heart out, and cried and cried and cried my heart out. Atleast it helped. It made me feel calm. I ended up falling asleep on the floor that night.